


And I'll Love You Still in Hell

by Padapuppy



Series: Pirate Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Community: spn_j2_bigbang, Explicit Sexual Content, Gang Rape, Heaven, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pirates, Reincarnation, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-16 05:04:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/858114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Padapuppy/pseuds/Padapuppy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yo ho, Sebastian, let's go far away, somewhere where the captain won't be mad.  Yo ho, Sebastian, I wanna love you good.  We deserve much better than we've had.</p><p>Jared's been aboard Morgan's ship since he was fourteen, and though things don't go as planned, he's been able to get along by staying in his head, imagining he was somewhere else. Cut to twelve years later-Jared's being replaced, or so he thinks, and when he first meets Jensen, he hates him on sight. It turns out that Jared was wrong, that Jensen isn't so terrible, and if they can keep their secret from the captain, maybe things won't be so bad. This story has pirates and swords, nights under the stars and slow dancing in the dark. It's a story about love and desire and how that love might surpass everything, even death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

[](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-PaperbackFront-1.png.html)

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Prologue.png.html)

“Why are you doing this to me? Why--Don’t touch me! Please, _please_ don’t do this. I don’t...Please?!” Jared’s pleading, thrashing under the weight of the other man. He’s known him for half an hour, been aboard maybe ten minutes longer than that. It’s the worst day of his life.

His father died a week ago, and up until now, that was the worst day, but losing Jared’s father doesn’t even compare to the pain he feels now. Fourteen and orphaned--his mother having died during Jared’s birth--Jared’s no longer his own person. He’s paying his father’s debt, money owed in exchange for Jared’s time and life. He’ll be paying it for the rest of his days, though he doubts he’ll last long if this experience is anything to go by.

Jared has tears running down his cheeks, his body bent over the side of the dark mahogany table. He can see the docks through the window, and there’s no way that someone can’t hear him, not with how loud he’s protesting. He just doesn’t understand why no one’s willing to help.

His shoulders shake as clothes are torn from his body, his pants down by his ankles, shirt ripped to shreds. “Please! Not this. Kill me. Do anything else, but not this.” No matter how Jared cries and begs, his captor won’t stop.

“You’re mine now, boy.” The man growls, and he grimaces. Jared feels his hand tighten in Jared’s hair, feels the way the larger man’s body presses against his own. “Mine.”

Jared’s not sure what’s going, what this man’s going to do to him. All he knows is that it feels wrong, dirty, and he’s just a child. He screams when he feels something blunt and hard against his butt, parting his cheeks, but that only makes the man laugh.

“Yeah, scream for me, pretty. Sounds so good.”

Jared tries his best to be somewhere else, to get his mind to take him to another place. Somewhere his father is alive, somewhere where he doesn’t get offered or taken up. He pictures himself in a city, somewhere big, and though the vision in his mind is a little hazy, he can almost see someone in front of him, almost feel someone hold his hand.

He can remember a day in the city with his father. If he concentrates hard enough, he can feel his dad’s strong hand clasping his shoulder as they walk down a cobblestone street. 

His father’s voice is in his head, telling him to be strong, to look forward because now isn’t the time to be discouraged. Jared takes deep breaths, trying his hardest to take his father’s advice. This is what he needs to do. 

Jared loved his father too much to ignore that advice. They had a close relationship, more out of necessity than anything else. 

Jared’s not disillusioned though. Gerald, his father, was an amazing dad, but as a man, he was flighty. Gerald drank on occasion, and he often gambled, betting and losing on fights. That’s why Jared’s here now--because Gerald died before he paid off his debt to Morgan.

They traveled a lot, never sticking to one place for more than a couple of months, but his father was sure to make enemies everywhere they went.

He pushes those thoughts aside, focusing instead on the man he knew and loved, the man who provided him shelter and stories and everything a kid needs to get by in this world. It’s too bad Gerald never prepared him for this.

He wants to stay in his head as long as he can, doesn’t want to go back to reality and face this torture. In his heart, he knows what’s happening, but he’s a boy, just a child, really. This isn’t supposed to happen, not to him.

“You should consider yourself lucky. Most of my men have it worse.” The man--Jared would later know him as Captain and then Morgan after that--tells him as he slams himself against Jared’s body. It jars him from the place in his head almost instantly. He doesn’t see how anyone could have it worse than he does in this moment.

Jared feels like he’s being split in two, like his body is being drawn and quartered, but somehow he doesn’t scream. Jared’s taking deep breaths, trying to block out the pain, but it just keeps coming because he doesn’t quit, just keeps driving into Jared’s young body, whispering to him with a hand on his throat. “Mine, boy.” He repeats and bites down hard at Jared’s neck. “I own you now.”

This is his life, his father’s debt being paid, and Jared cries as Morgan using his body like Jared’s a ragdoll, like his life means nothing. He’s nothing more than a hole now, a warm place for his captain to put his dick, and the sooner Jared accepts that, the better.

Afterwards, Jared’s chained to the desk, and it takes a month at sea to break him of any ideas of trying to flee or worse, trying to die. 

The captain’s right, though. Jared is lucky. He’s fed well and dressed in the finest linens when he’s free to walk the deck. He’s not to be touched, not be looked at, and anyone who dares ends up in the water by nightfall. He’s well-fucked and kept, a pretty little cabin boy to do whatever Captain wishes. It’s not a bad life. It could be worse. Hell, he could be on the crew.


	2. Part One

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Chapter1.png.html)

“What do you mean, I’m done?” Jared’s pacing the room, biting his lip and deliberately not looking at the captain, Morgan. This can’t be happening. It’s ridiculous and unjust. Jared’s been good for Morgan for the past twelve years. He’s done everything asked of him with little protest, unless that’s the game Morgan was playing.

“You heard me. You’re just no longer what I want, not in my cabin and sure as hell not in my bed.” 

Jared’s in disbelief. “Why?”

Morgan laughs at Jared then, laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world. “Have you seen you lately? You’re too damn big, and you’re...old.”

Jared’s not old. He’s twenty-six. He’s young and strong, but he’s no longer a boy, no longer this weak little thing that the captain can push around. He’s put on a lot of muscle these past twelve years, and he’s got more than three inches on the captain. 

Jared’s been able to keep himself in check during his time with Morgan. He stays in his head most of the time, imagines a life somewhere new and exciting, but he’s always done what’s been demanded of him without being told more than once. 

It’s been hard on his body and in his mind, but he’s been good to his captain. He knows he has. Being kicked to the curb like this isn’t a shock, but in no way does Jared think he deserves it. 

They were on shore the past week, and Jared knows that this means he’s been replaced, that there’s someone new going to take his place. 

Of course, he can’t really know for sure. Morgan hasn’t told him directly, but there have been whispers among the crew. Jared’s even caught a glimpse of someone exiting Morgan’s chambers early in the morning, some crew member whose face Jared can’t place. 

But picking someone up would have probably been the easiest thing for Morgan to do. Jared’s been here a long time, and he knows what the captain likes, the types of boys, so the reprieve could have easily found Morgan someone new, someone that replaced Jared entirely, and Jared doesn’t doubt for a second that Morgan is taking his sweet time getting to know his new boy before he lays down the rules to the crew.

It would have been fine had Jared not been asked to come back aboard because he could have been free.

It’s more than irritating. Jared’s angry and hurt. Not only is the life he’s lived since he was fourteen--the life he was used to--over, but Jared’s being _forced_ to stay here and watch as someone else takes his place. It’s unfair and downright cruel.

“Have I not paid my debt, _Jeff_?” Jared asks, still fuming. He hears the back of Morgan’s hand across the side of his face before he feels it.

“What did you just call me?!” Morgan’s angry, but Jared guesses that’s understandable. He used his name after all, and he’s only ever done that when they fucked.

Jared stops pacing, doesn’t really have a choice, and he ducks his head. “I’m sorry, sir...Captain. ‘m sorry.”

“That’s better, knave.” Morgan’s tossing the bedclothes to the floor, and Jared wonders what exactly is to become of him. “Pick these up.” Morgan says, like he’s ordering Jared around like a slave, and with the name the captain calls Jared, that’s probably what Morgan thinks he is.

Jared’s not a knave, not a slave. He’s not. He’s...It’s complicated. He’s indebted, for the rest of his life it seems, so he’s more captive than prisoner, though sometimes he doesn’t see the difference. Days like today for example.

Other days, in the past, Jared actually felt like he belongs. Sure, Morgan’s not the nicest man, but Jared’s never wanted for anything. Everything he needs, be it clothes or food or drink, everything save giving himself to another was always at his disposal. 

Through the years, Jared was provided with luxuries unknown to him in his life with his father. He was dressed in the finest linens, ate the most delicious food because Morgan wanted him content. 

Jared was treated like a pet more often than not, like something Morgan kept around because he was pretty, because he was tame, but now that Jared’s no longer youthful, Morgan seems threatened. It’s ridiculous because not once has Jared offered to fight, not when he was younger and not as he grew. 

Jared moves across the room, gathering the sheets from the floor by the bed, looking over at the lumpy mattress that he would occasionally sleep on with Morgan, his captain. _No more_ , he thinks. There will never be another night Morgan wants him in his bed.

“What’s to become of me?” Jared asks sometime later as he’s clearing up the rest of his things-the things Morgan’s letting him keep-and stuffing them into rucksacks. “Where will--Am I to walk the plank, to...to...I don’t wanna hang neither.”

And Jared really doesn’t want either of these things to happen. Walking overboard into the water to drown or die of thirst doesn’t sound pleasant and neither does hanging.

Jared hates those expressions, but regardless of his feelings on the phrases, he’s seen them both. Jared’s seen more than one man walk that short piece of wood and fall into the icy blue depths below, and he still shudders when they go into a port town and see men hung tight around their necks by thick ropes as warning to all pirates.

He doesn’t want to die, hasn’t for a long time. It’s abrupt, confusing, and though time has hardened him, he’s done what he’s needed to in order to stay alive. He stopped fighting the captain, stopped questioning orders, so the thought of dying now--especially if he’s to jump or hang--is downright terrifying.

If Jared’s going to die, it’s going to be on his own terms. He’d like to be old and gray and somewhere preferably far from here. At least, that’s what he likes to think.

Morgan gives Jared a look, and his eyes soften as he nears him. Jared closes his eyes when he feels Morgan’s rough and calloused hand cup his cheek, sighs when Morgan’s thumb scrapes under his eye. 

He hadn’t even been aware that he was crying until now, but it’s understandable in his mind. Jared’s never had to do anything alone before, and whatever Morgan has planned, be it death or something else is a new adventure. It’s scary and he’s terrified, feels abandoned for the first time since his father died, since he was left with Morgan.

“No, Jared. Of course not. I would _never_ do that, not to you.” It almost sounds like a promise, and Jared opens his eyes, tilting his head down to look upon Morgan’s face. His eyes look almost kind and sincere. 

In another life, if things were different, Jared thinks he could have loved him. He’s an attractive man, sturdy with kind brown eyes that crinkle at the corners when he smiles. His dark chocolate hair looks wiry but has always felt soft when Jared used to run his fingers through it. Morgan’s not unkind, a little rough, but Jared’s found him to be fair after that first year. Jared likes to think of that time of his adjustment period, before he knew what was good for him.

Fair is a relative term, at least when it comes to how the captain behaves. For Jared, the captain has been fair because he’s kept him alive, hasn’t punished him without reason, and sometimes it feels like the captain’s trying to keep Jared happy. Jared’s not, not happy but he’s been content with his life for a while now.

That being said, when it comes to more serious matters, fair is no longer an accurate description. Morgan is cutthroat and ruthless when it comes to his crew, when it comes to the raids and pillages. Jared’s never seen a scarier man than Morgan when he’s on a rampage, but the anger’s hardly ever been directed towards him.

“But you’re kicking me out.” Another tear falls from Jared’s eyes, and Morgan sighs and pulls Jared’s head down. He shuts his eyes again when he feels Morgan’s rough, chapped lips on his forehead, stays down submissively. “I--Don’t make me go. Please.”

Morgan sighs again, heavier, and Jared straightens his back, towers over his captain, but Jared’s too gentle to intimidate the man. That was always Morgan’s thing, making Jared feel small, treating him like a dog he could whip and train. “You’ll work my crew.” Jared’s told, and he doesn’t want to, thinks he’d rather die.

He’s heard stories, seen the results of too rough nights and too much ale, and Jared’s never really had to work to survive before.

“I’ll be miserable.” Jared says sadly.

Morgan cracks a smile. “You’ll live.”

 _How reassuring,_ Jared thinks bitterly. He’ll live. For now, if the crew lets him. The problem is that Jared’s not sure he wants to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, I think they're awesome.


	3. Part Two

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Chapter2.png.html)

His first week on the crew leaves Jared woeful, tired, and aching. He’s passed around like a shiny new toy that _everyone_ is anxious to play with, and although Jared’s big, he’s never really had to fight before. He’s a gentle person at heart, despite his size, and the idea of harming someone else doesn’t appeal to him.

So when they touch him, when they use his body like Morgan does, Jared accepts it as his life, doesn’t do anything to stop them. He sticks to his head, imagining that he could want this, that Jared’s not a prisoner here. If he chooses this life, even if he’s lying to himself, the pain isn’t as bad as it could be.

It’s nothing he can’t handle, but sometimes, when he’s sleeping in his hammock at night with the crew around him, he’ll sob as quietly as he can. No matter how hard he tries to filter out their hands and cocks, the whip on his back and the vile things they call him, Jared doesn’t feel strong enough to keep this up for much longer. He hates his new life, and for the first time since he was fourteen, Jared finds himself wishing for death yet again.

He learns a few things that week as well. His initial assumption that he’s been replaced was wrong. From what Jared can see, there is no one else. And the crew would know because, like when Jared came aboard, there would be a big spiel explaining the rules. 

Someone is keeping the captain’s bed warm at night, though. Jared has no doubts about that. Morgan was insatiable sexually, and there is no way someone’s not feeling the void that Jared’s dismissal brought on.

So, Jared was just tossed aside because he could no longer please Captain Morgan. It doesn’t help him feel any better. If anything, Jared actually feels more worthless.

Jared finds himself with one friend among the crew in the name of Chad Murray. He’s got a middle name, but Jared really doesn’t see the point in two names, let alone three. His own last name only ever got Jared in trouble, and slurs about his Polish ancestry were something Jared used to deal with on an almost daily basis.

Chad’s kind to Jared, doesn’t touch him like the others, but he doesn’t protest when it happens either, not that Jared would expect him to. Chad couldn’t really do much if he wanted. He’s small and wiry, doesn’t look like he put up much of a fight.

After, they usually talk while Jared cleans himself up, and sometimes, if things are really bad, Chad will help. Chad’s not the best person in the world, and he’s a little slow and just a bit dull, but Jared finds himself grateful for his company just the same.

“Why do you think we haven’t made port yet?” Jared asks. He and Chad are sitting out near the bow of the boat on the deck. There are others around, no one really paying them too much mind. They have to be careful who they talk around, but thankfully, some of Jared’s allure has worn down so he’s left alone most of the time.

He’s no longer new, has been passed around and he doesn’t fight back. That’s why Jared thinks they’ve mostly stopped. The crew wants someone to fight and thrash and make things chaotic, and Jared’s not willing to do that, doesn’t want that complication of being desired by those men.

Chad shrugs one shoulder, squinting up at the room, though Jared can’t be sure. Chad seems to be squinting all of the time. “I dunno, Jare. It’s kinda strange, isn’t it?”

It really is. Usually, they stick close to the coastline, traveling from one port to another, raiding what they can if they think they can get away with it. They’re not pirates. At least, Jared doesn’t think of himself as a pirate, but they’re pretty close.

Privateers is what Jared would them, his crew, his captain, the lot of them. The Letters of Marque keeps them from being arrested, keeps them from hanging. Jared saw the papers once, the promise that they will only pillage in the villages of towns of enemies, but Jared also knows that Morgan doesn’t do that, well, not just that.

He’s been witness to raids where women and children are slaughtered like cattle, seen them raped and beaten, some left hours to suffer and die alone. Jared used to hole up under the captain’s bed at those times, screaming so loud just so he wouldn’t have to hear cries and sobs as people begged for their lives.

“Why don’t you talk to the captain about it?” Chad’s smiling, and he nudges Jared’s arm with his own like it’s some big joke. Jared doesn’t find it funny at all.

“You _know_ I haven’t talked to him since I...You know.” Jared really doesn’t like to talk about it, and Chad’s being a dick just bringing it up. There’s no way that Jared would even dare to question the captain’s motives. He barely did before, and the few times he did, the punishment was almost always severe. 

Jared can only imagine what would happen to him if he were to ask now with his new, lower status. At least when he was Morgan’s whore, he had some sense of purpose, and he always thought he was useful to Morgan, that his place was guaranteed. Obviously, he was wrong for thinking that, but that’s hardly the point.

Chad rolls his eyes and puts a hand to his heart, blinking so fast that he’s batting his eyelashes like a lady . “Oh, well...Sink me.” He says dramatically, voice high and feminine, and Jared shoves at his shoulder at his friend’s sarcastic comment.

“I won’t ask him, Chad. I can’t.”

Chad nods a little bit, but Jared can see the frown on his face.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure the captain’s got a good reason. I trust him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, I think they're awesome.


	4. Part Three

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Chapter3.png.html)

Trusting Morgan, as ill-advised as such a thing is, turns out to be a good decision. Not two days later does the vessel find land, port specifically, and as Jared steps out into the air, he can’t help but notice how different this place is from everywhere else they’ve ever been.

There are more people than he’s used to seeing, and while they generally stick to the tropics, the place is colder. It doesn’t feel like a port town, and with the lack of a proper harbor, Jared’s not sure that it is. In his head, he’s coming up with scenarios to explain the armored men among the farm animals, wonders if there’s a way they’re walking into or if it’s something else entirely.

The sun is warm, but there’s a chill in the air as Jared steps out from the small rowboat that he, Chad, and a few others boarded to get to the island. More boats are coming in as well, and Jared steps onto the sand with a sigh, taking in the salty sea air. It’s nothing he hasn’t smelled every day for the past twelve years, but he thinks that somehow it smells different on shore. 

There’s no work to be done, just two days of freedom. Jared could stay behind, he knows this, and he’s thinking that he actually might. What a different world this would be if he stayed here. Jared takes a few steps towards the little island village.

He’s taller than most everyone around him, his hair shorter, darker, skin tanner. The women are small, delicate little things, but they’re dressed like warriors. Leather clings and hugs their bodies almost obscenely but, Jared’s not really interested. He knows that, most likely, there will be bathhouses with women who would take Jared’s money for some time with them, but Jared won’t do that either. 

He walks for a while in the dark sand, and eventually, he makes his way into what looks like a tavern. He orders a whiskey and takes a seat. Women approach him throughout the night, strumpets and ladies alike, but he doesn’t pay them any mind. Men do the same, coming onto Jared, wanting to show him a good time, but Jared waves them off and drinks more.

Jared’s leaning towards drunk, his body and mind feeling clearer. He’s made his decision. When the boat leaves, Jared won’t be on it. He’s going to run in the morning. Jared would run tonight, but, as it turns out, he’s not exactly sober enough to do so. But in the morning? Jared’s going to be gone.

A half hour and two more drinks later, Jared finds himself turning against a hand on his arm. A petite, young girl offering to dance with him, asking him to take her out by the fire, and Jared’s feeling the languid effects from the dizzying alcohol so he doesn’t say no.

He crowds against her, hands on her hips, and, for a while, their bodies are so close that Jared feels like they’re just one person. She’s attractive, Jared can see that. She has hair so blond, it’s almost white, but it’s dreaded in tight knots. Her eyes are an icy blue, skin fair.

He’s drifting in and out of this foggy haze that seems to have captured his mind. His vision fades from black to blurry faces, the fire, whatever’s in his line of sight. Dimly, in the back of his mind, Jared recognizes the feel of the new hands on his hips, and when he’s spun around, he sees him. His captain.

Captain Jeff Morgan is an attractive man. Jared knows that. Even as a scared little kid, he knew that. But now with nothing but the firelight shining on his features, Jeff looks almost god-like. That’s most likely more to do with the alcohol than the fire, but Jared’s not exactly thinking straight.

Their bodies move and twist, and Jared lets himself be pulled around a hut. He can feel how hard Morgan is for him, and an egotistical part of himself is excited, thrilled that he can still make him feel like that, like Jared’s still desired.

“Missed you.” The captain’s voice is like a gruff almost roar, hazy with alcohol, and Jared feels lost in it. For the first time since he got on the crew, there’s hope. An almost giddy feeling has Jared’s skin tingling. He could go back, wouldn’t have to linger here and find something new to do. He could have his old life back.

Jared doesn’t think. He grabs Morgan roughly by the jaw and slots their mouths together, kissing him hungrily. There’s no tenderness, only power, dominance, and control, and for once, Jared’s the victor.

Jared growls into Morgan’s mouth as their tongues tangle and twist together. He sucks at Morgan’s lower lip, bites down hard enough that he nearly tastes blood before he’s pushing the captain back up against the outside wall of the hut.

“Take me.” Jared demands, voice strong, more in command than it’s _ever_ been before.

And Morgan does. He kisses Jared again, and he forces him to the ground. Jared feels it the moment his pants are off his body, the relief he gets when the pressure is removed from his groin, and he feels Jeff’s thick cock tearing him open.

Jared doesn’t cry, hasn’t since his fifteenth year, and honestly, it doesn’t even really hurt. He’s been preparing him body almost daily since the crew started in on him, so he doesn’t feel so much pain. Honestly, he barely feels a thing as Jeff pumps into him, well, nothing but the promise of him. The promise of returning to his, no, their former life. Together. Where it’s safe.

Jared doesn’t come, but Morgan does, and that’s all the matters. He feels it trickle down his thighs when he stands back up, the slick, hot mess of it spilling down his leg. Jared kisses him again, a bold move, but the captain, _his captain_ melts into it.

“I’ll see you onboard?” Morgan’s asking him, and Jared’s really quite surprised. He’s always been ordered, never once asked what he’d do if he had the chance, and for the first time, Jared feels like they’re almost equal. He doesn’t know why Morgan’s acting like this, but he has hope, and that has to be enough.

He says the only thing he can, the only thing that might save him. Jared says, “Of course.”

After the captain leaves him that night, Jared finds himself sleeping in a hammock, one not unlike the one he has on Morgan’s ship, except tonight, Jared’s sleeping under the stars. It’s the best sleep he’s had in a long time, and Jared goes to sleep with a smile on his face.

When he wakes up, he’s greeted by villagers and the promise of food, and Jared follows almost blindly. He spends the day eating and dodging the throng of people gathered in the village’s center.

“What’s going on?” Jared asks some dark-haired man with piercing blue eyes, cocking his head, squinting towards the ever-growing crowd.

The man gives him a look, sizing him up, and he beckons Jared’s face down. “The boy leaves tomorrow.”

That doesn’t make any sense to Jared, and when he voices it, the man only repeats himself. “The boy leaves tomorrow.”

Jared doesn’t understand, but he nods like he does. He doesn’t know who this boy is or where he’s going, but it seems like a celebration of sorts, and Jared stays out of the way for the most part.

It’s a large gathering, and people are adorned in colorful flowers. It’s strange because there’s no flowers growing in the surrounding area, none that Jared can see. From what he can tell, people seem joyous and mournful at the same time.

Jared takes a moment and closes his eyes, imagines a mighty king leaving his people, dying, but there’s a birth, too. No, no that’s not it. Thinking, he sees a child, ripe and ready to take over. That could fit with what’s going on. A death and a new beginning. Maybe a marriage will complete the festivities. A king and queen to rule the abandoned people. Most likely, none of that is happening, but it’s nice to think about.

What he does see doesn’t really go with what’s going on in his head. He stays back far, doesn’t want to disturb the events, but he can’t help but watch. There’s a person covered in a white shroud of sorts, hidden, and people are bowing to them, literally kissing his feet as he walks down towards a fire. Jared is too far away to make out any distinguishing features, and there’s a lot of bowing, so he doesn’t even bother trying to guess how tall that person is, but his lack of knowledge doesn’t disrupt anything.

Briefly, Jared wonders if it’s a funeral pyre, but he doubts people would be celebrating that. He watches on, enraptured by the villages dances, their mournful shouts and abundant praise. 

Jared discovers that, yes, there was a death. He can see how people crowd around that fire, how they dance and sway before the body is place in the low flames. Surprisingly enough, Jared thinks that, somehow, with all the happy cheering, that the people are either glad for this person’s death, or there’s something very good about to happen. But, he’s sure that can’t be right.

He isn’t sure what’s going on, and the more he watches, the more he gets confused. He gives up trying to understand all together.

Jared does some celebrating of his own that night, finds himself laid out with two women he feels almost no attraction to, but he figures it’s good to know how to please a woman, especially if Morgan wants to show him off.

That’s happened only once, but it had been short-lived. Jared had been an idiot, fumbling and confused, and he came so early. It’s just good to stay in practice.

When he leaves the next morning to board the ship, he finds Chad in high spirits. Chad’s giving him an approving look because he knows just as well as Jared that had they stayed, no one would have looked. He understands why Chad doesn’t want to be alone, so Jared gives his best smile in return even though he _knows_ there’s no way he’ll be spending another night under the ship with the rest of the crew.

He finds the captain on the bow of the boat about an hour after its departure, and Jared smiles and comes up behind him, rubbing against him like he knows Morgan likes. Now more than ever, he wants to please his captain, grateful that Morgan’s with him, that he’ll be taken care of again. 

Jared feels the second Morgan’s body tenses, so Jared nuzzles his captain’s neck, kissing his skin. 

He spins quickly, shoving Jared back with rough hands at his chest. “Have you lost your mind?”

Jared looks down to the hands on his chest, and he frowns, puzzled. “I just--I’m glad you took me back. That’s all.”

He bellows, his tone mocking. “Why in the hell would you think that I’ve taken you back?”

Jared’s confused again, hurt as well, and he blushes when he speaks. “I...That night. On the island. You...”

Morgan cuts him off. “...I fucked you. That’s it. You...Wow.” He starts laughing again, and Jared runs away before Morgan has a chance to further humiliate him.

He was used. Again. Jared should have expected as much, should have known better. He’s nothing more than just a warm body to pass to time with, no real value whatsoever.

Jared doesn’t cry when he climbs into his hammock that night, just closes his eyes and legs sleep come, knowing that this is his life now, and it won’t be long before it, all of it, everything is over.

If he wasn’t so stupid and naive, he could have stayed. Morgan wouldn’t have chased after him, probably wouldn’t have noticed Jared’s absence for weeks. Now, he’s stuck living the life he hates, and it’s his mistake, a simple misunderstanding that has him back of the thick of things.

Coming in from port towns always makes the crew just a little uneasy. From being on dry land to sailing again, for months at a time maybe, is enough to drive any sane man mad. Jared’s no exception.

He’s antsy, nervous, and uneasy as days pass. Morgan’s been holed up in his cabin for days, and neither Chad nor Jared nor any of the crew has any idea as to why. 

Jared finds that for the first time, he doesn’t really care. He’s upset with the captain, doesn’t really care what he’s doing as long as it doesn’t affect him.

Everything comes to light two days later. The crew is assembled on deck, and Jared waits with Chad in the back, watching with silent discontent. He knows what’s going on before Morgan has a chance to say anything. He can see the pleased look on the captain’s face, the flush in his cheeks, and the marks on his neck. It’s been done.

“I bet you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here, why I’ve been absent from my post, why you’ve been taken your orders from Christian this past week.” Jared used to wonder. He doesn’t have to anymore, and the crew is ignorant if they don’t know either.

Jared’s hardly listening as the captain speaks because from behind his back comes a boy. This boy can’t be more than sixteen, seventeen at the very most. He doesn’t have the fear Jared did when he first came aboard. At least, if he does, he’s not showing it.

His face is a masterpiece. The boy’s eyes are a brilliant green, the likes of which Jared’s even seen in the richest grasses, and they’re lined with the longest lashes Jared’s ever seen, male or female. His jaw is stronger and pronounced, and if weren’t for that, Jared would think him a girl.

The lad’s lips are delicate but full, and Jared can bet that the boy’s chin is as soft as a peach. His nose shows the slightest defect. Jared thinks he likes that the most, makes him look imperfect, more human. There’s the smallest hint of a bump along the ridge, but his cheeks are dusted with golden freckles the color of the sand in the Caribbean. His skin is fair, not yet kissed and weathered by the sun, but Jared thinks it can’t be long before that changes. If Jared were a scribe, he thinks he could weave beautiful sonnets about that face.

His hair is golden, bleached by the sun, and Jared can see how soft it looks, wonders if it’s just as lush to feel, to touch as it is to look at. It’s long, but not as long as Jared’s own, and it’s pulled back in a dark green ribbon. Like everything else about the boy, it’s glorious.

Jared can see the lean lines of the youth’s body underneath the billowy white blouse. The shirt is loosely laced around his collar in tan leather. He’s wearing breeches--tight on well-muscled thighs and developed calves--that are the color of the palm trunks that Jared’s only seen once before as a child. White socks and brown shoes cover the rest of the boy, and Jared’s envious of his footwear as he thinks about his own sandals, about how they barely cover his feet, and how they are no match to keep his toes warm during the frigid nights on the dark and windy sea. 

As beautiful and lovely as this boy is, as Morgan sings his praises and warns off the advances of the crew, Jared can think of nothing but how he loathes him. He’s young--as Jared once was--so gorgeous--as Jared no longer is--and he’s getting everything Jared used to.

Every beautiful inch of the boy makes something ugly and wrathful come out of Jared. Not only is Jared replaced by this child, he’s more attractive than Jared ever was.

“Jensen’s off limits, you hear me?” Morgan’s voice is an unnecessary interruption to Jared’s thoughts, but, just the same, he’s glad to have a name to go with the hatred that fills his heart.

It’s stupid to say anyway. Anyone who’s dumb enough to touch what has to be Morgan’s new play thing deserves whatever punishment the captain tolls out, not that that could thwart Jared’s scheming.

The captain rattles on some more about Jensen’s place on this ship, and Jared only vaguely listens when they’re informed that Christian will be his keeper during his stay.

That part is odd. No one ever looked after Jared, not when he was a boy, and he’s jealous of how much attention the captain wants to dote on the child.

 _The boy is leaving tomorrow._ Jared smirks to himself, remembering the gathering on the island. This child has to be what all the fuss was about, and Jared’s wondering how Morgan managed to pull this one off, especially with such a pretty young thing.

It's not the way he looks that draws Jared in. No, it's _what_ he is, the job he's taken. It's not fair, not one bit because that was Jared's. It was always Jared's, and now this boy, this _child_ has taken over and Jared’s been forced further down the ranks because of him. It's not going to last. Jared won't allow that. Soon enough his time will come again, and when it does, Jared will gladly be the one who throws pretty little _Jensen_ overboard. Morgan’s warnings be damned.

Jared’s angry, betrayed for this _child._ It’s not right. It’s not fair. He’ll kill Jensen if it comes to it. Jared’s been too loyal to Morgan up until now, and he won’t let himself be tossed aside for some spoiled little whore.

Jared finds himself fleeing before the captain is even finished speaking, and his stomach twists and turns so much so that Jared fears himself ill. He sinks down the boat’s narrow passages down to the bilge, the lowest level of the ship, and he holes up in a space not fit for someone his size. 

He’s only been in this area once before during his fourteenth year, and after Morgan found him and beat him bloody, the captain had taken Jared into his arms and smoothed down his hair. Jared closes his eyes and he thinks he can feel the captain’s whispered promises of love and forever, but, like most pleasures in Jared’s life, the feeling is short-lived.

Crying suddenly with his insides in utter chaos, Jared shakes, feels shivers down to his toes. As much as he doesn’t like his captain, Jared hates this Jensen boy more. It won’t be long now. Jared won’t stand for this. 

He stays in that cramped space until his limbs are sore and aching, face smeared with tracks of weak tears that Jared let fall. It’s easier to feel the pain when no one’s around to mock him for doing so.

When he emerges, he’s glad that there’s nobody near him. He stretches his limbs, arms reaching high above his head, toes curling in his cheap sandals. There was a moment on that island where Jared thought he’d get his place back with _his_ captain. Dumbly, he thought their night together meant something. He’s well aware that Morgan doesn’t love him, that he never could, and Jared returns the feeling. 

Men do not love other men. Sex is one thing. Morgan had once told Jared that a hole is a hole, and a mouth a mouth, and that what men did in the privacy of their bedchambers never left the room. He’s also not stupid. He’s had too many personal attacks on his body from the crew. And he knows they only wanted him because the captain did, that Jared was a warm body like any other, and every once in a while, that’s acceptable.

Jared’s father taught him that it didn’t matter who you loved, as long as you were treated with kindness and respect, but Jared’s all too aware of how that isn’t how everyone feels. Men and women were in love, they got married, and they shared their lives together. Men simply did not.

So, yes, Jared knows there’s no love, no hope for romance, and he doesn’t want that, but for a moment, a brief period of time, Jared had hope for the security that came with being the captain’s most wanted. And he vows that one day, very soon, that day will come again. He just needs to get Jensen out of the way first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, I think they're awesome.


	5. Part Four

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Chapter4.png.html)

Jensen’s not easy to get close to. Morgan keeps his boy busy, and Jared cringes at the thought of what he knows is happening. He wonders if the boy’s attempting to fight Morgan off like Jared once did. It’d be stupid. He’d never get very far, and Jared knows from experience that consciousness isn’t something the captain requires to get himself off.

Perhaps Jensen likes it. It’s certainly possible. From the looks of his mouth, Jared would guess that Jensen’s got to be good with it. When he closes his eyes, he sees Jensen’s lush and full lips sealed around his captain’s cock, bobbing his head and moaning wantonly, and the very idea of it nearly makes Jared sick to his stomach.

A week of trying has Jared at even lower spirits than before, and he’s barely doing his chores, too caught up in trying to get his old position back.

What’s worse is that Jared keeps seeing Jensen, seems like he’s everywhere. On deck, he’ll see Jensen standing around, speaking with some of the higher-ups on Morgan’s crew. He’ll look Jared’s way and grin, and Jared thinks it has to be a sneer. The pompous little boy showing off his shiny new position, rubbing it in Jared’ nose.

When they dine, Jensen even appears then. He’ll stand behind Morgan but won’t eat, and Jared wonders if Morgan’s feeding him away from the crew or trying to deliberately keep him slender. He’s winked and smiled at Jared, almost bright, and Jared wants nothing more than to wring his pretty little neck.

He’s plotting all the while, thinking of all the ways he can bring about Jensen’s end. A sword would suffice, be quick and easy, but Jared thinks he wants something a little more dramatic. 

If Jared could get a hold of some rope, he imagines he could tie a right and pretty noose, leaving Jensen hanging in front of the captain’s door, letting Morgan see once and for all how strong Jared really is, how capable, and maybe that fear would give Jared some sense of power.

Jared’s not being smart. He’s lazy and rude. He hasn’t scrubbed the deck in days, hasn’t done more than sleep and plan. Jared’s been talking unkindly to the crew, fighting off their advances, and he’s stupid if he thinks it’ll go unnoticed. If Jared bothered to think about this, he’d know to fear what’s coming. But, since he’s clearly not right in his head for the time being, he doesn’t suspect a thing. He’s too driven to worry about what might become of him if he fails.

Another week of slacking through his duties finds Jared bent over the front of the boat, the upper half of his body hanging off the rails. He’s trying very hard to keep a grip, but the rail is rusted, cutting open his palms. He’ll be lucky if that doesn’t get infected. He’s seen a cut fester up when left untreated, the limb eventually removed if the man didn’t die first. 

“You’re bleeding, boy.” One of his shipmate’s growls, and Jared can smell the rum and sweat on him. It makes his stomach turn, and he struggles as someone presses up behind him. “Gonna be bleeding more.” He says.

Jared’s not sure how many people are around him, knows the number’s not small, but he doesn’t know for sure. It really doesn’t matter because Jared’s never been much of a fighter. He may be large, but none of that bulk came from fighting or working, really.

He doesn’t beg or cry, just keeps his hold on the rusted metal as much as he can, even as he feels the breeze against his bare backside when someone yanks his pants to his knees.

“That’s a nice ass.” He hears one of them say, feels the connect of a hard hand a second later. 

A few others cheer in agreement, and Jared feels his cheeks being pried apart. “Even prettier hole.” He whines when he feels someone’s blunt finger press inside of him, and Jared tunes out after that, imagines himself somewhere else, somewhere far away.

He’s bleeding more, crying and grunting, but other than that, he barely moves. Jared’s not sure how many people have fucked him, have used his body, but it’s way more than just one. He’s got come dripping down his thighs, and his body aches, is so sore that he feels faint. He’d rather blackout just to get away from the pain for a little while.

With deep breaths, Jared steers himself somewhere new in his mind. He sees a hand holding his own, feels the pressure, the reassurance and love. Bifocals are the first thing that come to mind. He sees a man’s hair cut short, left unkempt and messy in spikes. It’s a funny thought, and he finds himself chuckling almost silently. 

He feels a knife at his throat, but then, suddenly everything stops. He’s tossed back onto his ass, and he doesn’t fight what might come, just closes his eyes and prepares for the worst. At this point, he’s not sure if death would be the worse option. Hell, he’d been planning to do it on his own, so he might just thank whoever takes that final bit of breath from his body, thank whoever’s there to make his racing heart stop its beats.

The funny thing is, that final blow never comes. As he fades in and out of consciousness, he hears a voice, hears punches and the clank of swords, hears a loud splash in the water, and then there’s nothing but blissful darkness.

When he wakes up, he’s in someone’s private bed chambers. Not many people on board have those, so Jared’s more than confused as to where he’s at. He groans at the way his body aches, and he blinks his eyes open slowly as he tries to sit up. 

“Hello?” He calls, taking in note of the soft, cushy bed he’s currently on, the feel of what seems to be satin or perhaps even silk under his bare body. He’s not sure when he suddenly got completely naked, but he figures it doesn’t really matter in the long run. 

“Anyone there?” He asks again, trying to find his bearings.

“You’re awake.” The voice is startling, not one Jared recognizes, and he squints, tries to see in the low candle light. “Are you alright?” The voice wonders, and Jared can hear how much closer the person, guy, is.

“I...Who are you?” Jared tries, and the person is right in front of him. Jared reaches over to the little stand beside the bed, boxes of wood put together to make a table, and he grabs the candle, bringing it closer. 

Jared nearly drops the thing when he sees who is captor is, and he gulps. “Jensen.”

Honestly, this is the last thing he expects, and he can’t help the pang of jealousy he’s feeling. He’s not sure exactly what’s going on, but from the looks of it, Jensen has his own room. Jared was never allowed that luxury.

“How are you feeling?” Jensen asks, reaching out like he aims to touch Jared. He must think better of it because he pulls his hand back suddenly, keeps them at his side.

“I’ve had worse.” Jared offers with a shrug, and that’s the truth. Tonight’s no different that the first few weeks he spent in the lower ranks.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Jensen’s voice sounds sympathetic, sincere, and Jared wonders why Jensen would be sorry. 

“What’s the big deal? Not--You...you don’t have it much better.”

If Jensen’s doing anything like Jared was, then that’s true. Morgan can be ruthless when he wants to be, and Jared knows how brutal their captain can be when he’s drunk and full of lust. It doesn’t make Jared wish he had his former position back any less though.

“What do you mean?” Jensen’s closer, and he moves to sit on the edge of the bed. Jared could kill him now, could bash the candle holder in his grip against Jensen’s head over and over again until he stopped breathing. It would be so easy.

It’s Jensen’s confusion that makes Jared leave his hands where they rest. It should be a simple enough thing to understand. “You...you and Jeff-I mean, the captain. I’ve been in your situation, and Morgan’s not exactly nice.” 

Jared’s face falls because if Jensen tells Morgan any of this, he’s as good as dead. Or worse.

“No. No, I didn’t mean that. He’s...He’s great. Best captain in the world--” Jared’s cut off by Jensen, and the other’s laughing at him. How strange.

“What’s so funny?” Jared asks, confused and a little offended at the deep chuckles. They’re beautiful sounds, really, and Jared thinks that they might be the best sounds he’s heard in quite some time. He’s not sure he’s laughed in years, not really.

“You...What do you think I am?”

Jared resists the overwhelming desire to roll his eyes. “You’re Jeff’s boy.”

Jensen raises a brow, but he nods a few times. “...You could say that, yes.”

“There’s really no other way to put it. If it helps, I’ve been there myself.”

Jensen gives Jared a look, one Jared can’t place. “You’ve been here yourself?”

This time Jared does roll his eyes, and it’s obvious that it’s not Jensen’s brain that drew Morgan to him. “Aye. I was Jeff’s boy for twelve years until _you_ came along.” 

Jared can’t help the disdain that drips in his voice as he has nothing but hatred for the boy, even if it seems that he just saved Jared’s life. He shouldn’t have done that. Jared was welcoming that death even if it wasn’t how he envisioned to go.

He must have zoned out because the next thing he knows, Jensen is snapping his fingers right in Jared’s face. Angrily, Jared bats his hand away roughly.

Jensen only looks amused, and Jared detects just a bit of confusion in his eyes. “What?” Jared demands. “What has your face all lit up?”

“I just think it’s funny that you _think_ you’ve been in my position before. I mean, you can’t exactly _stop_ stop being the captain’s son, can you?”

Jared sucks in a breath. The captain’s _son_? How could that be? Is Morgan...Surely, he isn’t having sex with his own kid. And what about the bruises, the hickeys Jared saw on Morgan’s neck? This is the last thing he expects to hear.

“S-son?” Jared asks dumbly. “How? Why--What?”

Jensen only rolls his eyes, shakes his head. “Sometimes, when two people get together and they...marry, sometimes have a baby...” Jensen blushes when he skips over the talk about sex. There’s no way he’s that naive.

“...I know that, moron. I mean, if you’re...Are you sleeping with him?” He had to ask. He doesn’t have a choice. It’s something he feels compelled to know.

Jensen’s features twist and distort into something Jared can only describe as uncomfortable. “What?!” He sounds scandalized. “Why would you even think that? Ever?”

Jared, a little ashamed, ducks his head, and he can feel a blush rising on his cheeks. “It’s just...the little speech Morgan made...remember? Well, he gave that same speech when I came aboard. Twelve years ago. And the marks on his neck. He couldn’t do that himself.”

“Just...he’s been busy, some new crew member. No one constant.” Jensen says quickly, but his expression changes, eyes widening as he must realize what else Jared said. Jared can see the sympathetic, pitying look in the other’s eyes. 

“Oh...Oh, goodness. Twelve years?” Jensen looks at a loss for words and he scrubs a hand over the back of his neck in what Jared assumes is a nervous kind of habit. “How-How old are you?”

“Twenty-six. I think.”

“You think?”

“It’s a little hard to keep track. I was fourteen, and I’m pretty sure twelve summers have passed since then though on board, the weather is always changing since we’re constantly moving.”

“Fourteen...Oh...Oh, my...” Jensen takes a few steps back, and his expression goes from shocked to downright angry, livid even. “You were just a kid. He...Did he _take_ you? Like, from your family? I--He would. Oh, god...Oh, god, I’m _so_ sorry.”

For a brief second, Jared thinks Jensen is going to embrace him. He’s not as put off by that as he would have been a couple of minutes ago.

Jensen steps closer and puts a hand on Jared’s shoulder, and Jared closes his eyes. This could be a hug. It’s been so very long since anyone’s touched him in a way that wasn’t forced or sexual. Jared finds it nice, even a little comforting.

The feeling is short lived. The door bursts open, and two of Morgan’s largest goons, his biggest brutes come barreling in. “You little whore.” The bigger brute spits out, and for a second, Jared thinks that’s aimed towards Jensen.

Two hands grip two his arms and he’s being drug towards the door before he even realizes, before he has a chance to do anything to stop it.

“This is Morgan’s boy, you piece of shit. What would the captain do if we told him we caught you _touching_ what belongs to him. It’s the lashes for you. For our silence.”

Jared’s been whipped only once before, when he was fourteen and stupid. He knows what it’s like to feel the wind before the leather strikes his skin, knows the pain after, and he whimpers just a little. 

He’s handed to the stronger goon. “Take him to the brig.” The other says. “I want him tied and on deck by the time the moon’s out.”

Jared gulps, so scared he feels like he’s going to piss himself. 

“Wait. Wait, what’re you doing? Where are you taking him?” Jared’s not sure why 

Jensen’s asking this, why he even cares. They don’t know each other. Jensen doesn’t even know Jared’s name.

“He’s getting whipped at dusk. You best be there to watch ‘fore we tell ‘ol Morgan what his son and his former slut’s been doin’ behind his back.”

Jensen says something else that Jared doesn’t catch. He’s being drug from the room, and moments later, he feels something blunt and hard crack against the back of his head.

When he wakes up, he’s on the deck of the ship, bent over on his knees over the railing at the edge, and the rain is coming down hard against his back. He understands why he’s being punished, though the people who found them got it wrong. Jared was caught naked in a bed with the captain’s son. A part of him almost believes that he deserves this.

“Twenty lashes.” One man barks behind him, and Jared accepts his fate, hanging his head.

“Wait!” Someone shouts, and Jared recognizes that voice for Jensen. He turns his head to see Jensen rushing over, kneeling beside him. 

“What are you doing?” Jared asks in a loud, harsh whisper, and Jensen only smiles at him before turning back to the crew.

“I share in his crime.” A few gasps fill the crowd, but Jensen doesn’t stop. “I’ve earned half of his punishment.”

Jared thinks that Jensen might deserve it all since it was Jensen who had drug Jared to his room, but since everything is a big misunderstanding, he appreciates the sentiment.

“You can’t do that.” Jared urges because he’s been whipped before, knows the pain. 

“I can and I am.”

People talk and murmur behind him, and the next thing he knows, there’s a strap of leather being stuffed in both of their mouths. Jared’s looking over at Jensen, and the boy seems so confused. He opens his mouth around the leather, showing Jensen that he’s biting down, and he’s taken by surprise when the first lash hits the small of his back.

He grunts and bites down harder on the strap, closing his eyes as someone counts out his punishment. By the time he gets to ten, he feels the wind at his back, bleeding and cut to hell, and he knows the eleventh is coming.

“Stop.” It’s Christian, the captain’s first mate. “You heard the boy. Half.”

No one questions him, and it’s no wonder why. Christian’s been on board longer than Jared, longer than anyone probably, and he’s kin to Morgan. It’s the only reason he has any kind of authority at all. Jared supposes that as long as Jensen heals before they reach their destination, no one’s going to be the wiser about the marks that will surely line Jensen’s back.

It’s not fair, not at all, but anything he says now can only hurt them. He doesn’t want to add more to their punishment by speaking out of turn. Jared watches as he winds up, brings the whip back. Jared spits the leather out of his mouth, looking at Jensen.

“Look at me, okay? Focus on me, and bite down hard.” Jared tells him, unsure of why he suddenly feels so compelled to help. When the first strike hits, Jensen cries out and nearly loses the leather, but Jared’s there to talk him through it quietly. “You’re doing so well. Just a few more. Keep your eyes on me.” Jensen does as he’s told, and those tears spill down his cheeks, his eyes never, not once leaves Jared’s. 

When it’s over, Jared’s drug away and thrown down the ladder, misses every step and ends up in a heap at the bottom. He groans as he pulls himself to his feet, making his way slowly over to the hammock where Chad’s waiting.

“I couldn’t watch, man. I heard Steve say it was you, and I couldn’t. I’m sorry.”

Jared shakes his head at Chad’s words and lies down face first on his hammock, bare ass in the air. Chad winces when he sees how bad it is, and he runs off to fetch the salve. At least, that’s what Jared assumes.

He dozes off during Chad’s departure, and when he opens his eyes again, Chad’s standing by his face, looking at the ladder. “Just stay still, Jared. He’s only here to help.”

Confused, Jared turns his head back, surprised to see Jensen there. He’s been rubbing at the wounds on Jared’s back.

“Are you alright?” Jared wonders, in awe at how strong Jensen seems to be after taking that beating because Jared feels like he can hardly move.

“Christian. He was kind to me. The cuts weren’t deep.” Jensen explains, and Jared’s sure he’s dreaming because Jensen almost sounds sorry about it. “Yours, however...Jared, I’m afraid some might need stitched.”

Jared already figured as much, and he nods a little. “How do you know my name?” He asks, and Jensen smiles at him, rubbing over Jared’s back soothingly.

“Chad told me. He told me a lot, actually. I can’t begin to say how sorry I am for how my father’s treated you.”

Jared starts to say how things weren’t really all that bad, how he’d gladly go back to it if it meant he could leave the crew, but Jensen moves and puts a finger to his lips.

“That’s the pain talking.” Jensen’s words are quiet, and there’s a frown on his mouth. Jared decides immediately that he doesn’t like to see that mouth do anything other than smile, though he’s not sure why. 

“You don’t want that life back, Jared. You can’t.” Jared would deny that, but his eyes feel quite heavy, and when Jensen rubs down his back again, careful of the wounds, Jared finds himself lulled into a deep and peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, I think they're awesome.


	6. Part Five

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Chapter5.png.html)

Things are strange after Jensen took half of his punishment. For one, the crew with the exception of Chad looks at him with more anger, disgust, and distaste than before, though up until now, Jared wouldn’t have thought that possible.

When he’s walking, he’s often spat at or kicked, and he’s left nursing the bruises alone after. While Jared scrubs the deck, more mess is made around him, excrement and piss on areas he’s already cleaned so he’s left with no choice but to do it again. His work is being sabotaged, lines cut on the sail when it’s Jared to ensure their durability, and he’s the one left flogged for it. He’s got more tastes of the cat, more floggings by that flared-tipped whip than he can count on one hand.

Another thing is that Jared actually sees Jensen on deck, sees him steer the ship and talk with Morgan, and one time, Jensen actually gets down on his hands and knees and scrubs the deck with Jared.

Well, not with Jared. He’s on the other side of the boat, but Jared thinks he’s helping nonetheless since today it was Jared’s duty to swab the deck. It’s not necessary but appreciated either way.

The crew looks to Jensen with the same longing they used to with Jared, and while that raises jealously, it also makes Jared want to protect him. He no longer wishes death on the boy, no longer has such a fierce hatred, but he longs to repay the debt Jensen laid on him. Jared swears to himself that if Jensen is ever in need, than Jared will look kindly at him, show him the same respect that he was shown.

He doesn’t really talk to Jensen, not that he really has the time,. It seems they’re on a schedule. The captain’s been talking about heading further south, and he means to get there in a hurry. Morgan projects that in a month’s time, they’ll be on land again, and Jared can’t for the life of him think of what’s so important that they rush.

Whatever the reason has Jensen looking nervous. Jared can see an almost feral yet scared look in his eyes whenever the captain mentions coming ashore. Curiosity begs Jared to ask, but every time he gets close to Jensen, someone feels the need to drag Jared away, often claiming that there’s more work to be done.

They have enough supplies, enough food to last them for several months since Morgan always prepares for any impending disaster-shipwreck, capsizing, storms. They’ve always been overstocked. Still, Jared doesn’t dwell on it too long. He has a job to do.

He’d like to say that the crew, especially the ones larger than himself no longer take advantage of him but he’d be lying if he did.

Jared’s ready for this journey to be over, ready to leave this boat and these people behind forever. One night, he finally works up the nerve and decides to take his chance.

Walking the plank-and Jared’s always hated that expression-is not something he ever imagined himself, but it’s where he finds himself now, standing on a sturdy board off the edge of the ship, peering down at the water below.

The ship’s quiet, captain and crew sleeping in their bedquarters due to the late hours, and Jared even had Chad who looked up at the crow’s nest to head to bed early, told his friend he’d take over because he couldn’t sleep. Thankfully, Chad appreciatively took Jared up on his kind offer.

So there he stands, his body shaking as he draws nearer to the edge of the board. He closes his eyes and holds his arms out on either side, body swaying forward. He’s ready, wanted this for so long, and there’s nothing to hold him back. He takes one step and then another before something pulls him back in.

Jared lands hard on something that grumbles beneath his weight, and he rolls off, glaring at the offender, freezing when he sees who it is.

“Jensen?!” Wha--What the hell were you doing?” Jared’s pretty hysterical at the point, and he starts to pace, a hand rubbing through his hair down the back of his neck.

“I’m pretty sure I was saving your life.” Jared wants to smack that smug tone right out of Jensen’s pretty mouth.

“Did you ever think that, maybe, I didn’t want it saved? Did that ever cross your mind, _boy_?” Jared asks, stopping his pacing to stare down at where Jensen still lies.

He’s wearing black breeches tonight that cut off at the calves, his feet bare, white cotton shirt riding high on his stomach with how he so unceremoniously fell to the ground. Seeing him like that is more than a little distracting.

“Why would I think that?” Jensen asks, words flowing out entirely too easy in Jared’s not-so-humble opinion.

“Because I was about to jump!” Jared all but shouts, covering his mouth because the last thing he wants to do is draw attention to them.

Jensen stands up slowly, and that’s better because Jared’s no longer burdened with the obligation to stare at Jensen’s body like he’s a dog and Jensen’s a mighty tasty treat. Distracting. It’s too much to handle in his current state of mind.

“Why would you want to do that?” He asks the words so slowly that Jared thinks Jensen might be a little dumb in the head.

His brows raise and he looks around like Jensen should know the answer, and, really, he should. “Hello! Have you seen this ship? Do you know the shit I go through on a daily basis? I-I _hate_ my life, okay? I hate everything about it. There is no...no reason I should stay. Not one. Dying has been my...my new dream since I started the crew, maybe even before that.”

Jared sees the way Jensen’s Adam’s Apple bobs in that smooth column of throat, and it makes him gulp. “Jared...You don’t mean that.”

Jensen says it like he knows Jared, like he knows his life, and for that, Jared takes two intimidating steps forward. For a brief second, he envisions pressing their mouths together, kissing him and holding him, but as soon as the vision comes, it’s gone just as swiftly.

Jared balls his hand in a fist and brings it back, connecting hard with Jensen’s jaw so hard that Jensen ends up back on the deck. “Go to hell.” Jared spits out angrily, towering over Jensen’s frame. “You don’t know what it’s like, having no control. You don’t know me, and you have no damn idea what I want.”

Jensen seems mostly unfazed by the punch, just rubs over his jaw absently. He’s quite striking in the moonlight, delicate features looking sturdier, more refined like the man he’ll become someday.

“You didn’t have to hit me.” Jensen says as he makes his way to his feet for the second time, and he doesn’t shy away, doesn’t act afraid. Jensen’s eyes roam over Jared, possibly checking for injuries or just checking Jared’s emotional state, he’s not sure. 

Jared keeps his own features calm, blank. He’s been doing that, hiding his feelings for as long as he can remember. It’s a defense mechanism more than anything else, something to keep some parts of himself hidden.

Jensen’s still looking, and he doesn’t step back. In fact, he stands a little closer and before Jared knows it, Jensen’s arms are around his middle, holding him tight in what has to be the most awkward hug in all of existence. 

“It’s going to be okay, Jared. I promise.” Jensen whispers causing Jared to tense.

Jared pulls away, uncomfortable all of sudden. He doesn’t hug, hasn’t hugged anyone since his father, and he doesn’t want to be a part of this embrace. 

“I’m sorry.” Jensen apologizes right away, his arms wrapping around themselves, hands moving up and down his biceps. He’s cold, Jared realizes, and he looks as shaken as Jared feels.

“It...Never mind.” Jared shakes his head. “This was no fault of your own. Aye, t’was uncomfortable, but...It doesn’t matter.”

Jensen nods a little, his eyes wide and he’s shivering. “Do you want--My room is warm. One of my father’s men heated a pan of coals for my bed. We could sit there and warm up...and eat?” 

Jared opens his mouth, intent on refusing because he’s failed at his task, and he’s stressed, spooked even. Most of his anger’s faded, and the reason why is baffling. Jensen’s scared looks should have this much effect on Jared, but just the same, they do.

“I don’t know. I mean, this is...strange.”

Jensen nods, and if Jared didn’t know any better it’d seem that he looks a little sad. 

“I just don’t want you to try this again. I saved your life, after all. I don’t want that to go to waste.”

That’s what draws Jared in, that reminder that he promised himself that he owed Jensen for helping him. Now it seems Jared owes him yet again.

“Wait.” Jared starts, and Jensen turns around slowly. “I...I’ll go. You said food, right? We could eat? Maybe talk?” A warm meal does sound nice, and he is very curious about why Jensen seems so tense sometimes. 

The walk is slow, but it’s not far. Jared stays an arm’s length away, walking behind the boy rather than beside, and he’d be a better man if he wasn’t enraptured with how Jensen’s hips swayed with every step. 

Jensen opens the door, and he walks in first. Jared forces his gaze elsewhere, looking around the room before moving to sit on Jensen’s bed. It is warm, and he bets it’s warmer underneath the blankets. 

For a second, Jared pictures Jensen’s body laid out before him, but he quickly forces those thoughts away when Jensen speaks. 

“It’s not much.” Jensen seems almost embarrassed as he hands Jared a plate, but there’s chicken, roasted and greasy, and it’s so much better than the food Jared gets that he almost weeps.

“It’s good.” Jared says around a mouthful, genuinely smiling up at the younger boy. “Thank you.” He swallows it down, wiping off his mouth with the back of his hand.

“It doesn’t have to be so bad, you know. I mean, contrary to what you believe, I’m not in control of my life either.” Jensen clears Jared’s plate away, puts it in a basin and pours a pitcher of water over the dish, washing it with a dampened rag. 

When Jensen turns back around, Jared stares up at him, waiting for an explanation because he really would like to know just how _bad_ Jensen thinks he has it.

Jensen seems to take Jared’s silence for what it is, and he takes a seat on the bed next to him. “I’m getting married.” He says the words slowly, as if saying them made them more true, like having the words out there was the most terrifying thing in the world.

“Do you not want to get married?” Jared asks, still so completely confused. If this is Jensen trying to see who has it worse, surely, Jared will win. His life is terrible, and he thinks of nothing more than ending it most days.

“I don’t.” Jensen says quickly, shaking his head. “I don’t who she is. I’ve never met her, and frankly, I don’t want to. No one asked me. No one. And, I get that it’s my duty. I know who my mother is...was.” Jensen clears his throat and looks away. 

Jared can see the tears building up in his eyes. The green shines bright, glossy. He’s holding himself again, like he’s protecting his body from the words he says. It’s coping, Jared can tell. He’s been doing it himself for years.

“Your duty? What does that mean?”

Jensen smiles sadly when he turns to face Jared once more. “My father, Jeff. He’s nothing. Not really. He’s a captain on a ship. Not even an important one. He’s a damned pirate, in a word. But my mother...she is, was something else altogether. She was Queen.” 

Jared blinks, the movements slow. Jensen’s mother was a queen. Of that island? Perhaps, Jared’s initial assumptions when he saw the festival wasn’t all that off, but it queen and not king, and Jensen was the ruler, new to the throne. And he was...betrothed? 

“She was a good queen, fair and just, and I know this isn’t the life she’d want for me.” 

Jensen smiles almost proudly when he talks of his mother, his eyes bright but wide like he’s remembering. Jared caught the use of was, how Jensen’s speaking about his mother in the past tense, like she’s gone, like she’s dead. 

Jared can relate to that abandonment, that feeling of being left somewhere new and scary with a world on the horizon. It’s terrifying. It’s harsh, and it’s unfair. Jared would have done anything not to go through that alone, especially knowing that this life wasn’t want his father hoped for him either.

“You see, our lands are divided. Our shipping routes are messy, and war breaks out among my people more times that I wish to say. This marriage could potentially end all of that. And it’s my duty to see it through.” 

Jensen’s trying to be strong for his people. Jared can understand that. He wanted to be strong for his father as a boy, to make him proud. The longing to be accepted by a parent, or by a people in Jensen’s case, is familiar to him.

“But...There are days, Jared, when I wish I could be someone else, I could do something else. So you see, you’re not the only prisoner here. My problems may not amount to yours, and they might not mean anything to you, but to me? To me, my problems...”

Jensen’s holding himself tight, arms wrapped around his body, eyes damp and gleaming. His thick eyelashes are wet and clingy. To Jared, in that moment, Jensen looks like nothing more than a scared child, someone who’s being forced to grown up too fast, and he has to do it alone.

Jared yearns to be Jensen’s savior, his shining light through both of their dark and dreary worlds. His reasoning is simple. Jared knows the pains of being alone, being abandoned by someone he loved, and with his vow to himself to aid Jensen when he could, being there for him now seems like the only right option. Jensen won’t have to be alone, and Jared won’t either. They can have each other, even just for a little while.

The boy looks like he wants to say more, like he wants to keep going, but he bites tongue, like saying anything else would make him seem ungrateful. And that truly breaks Jared’s hardened heart.

“My problems,” Jensen tries, his voice wavering, and Jared resists the urge to get up and wrap Jensen in his arms. “Well, they are mine alone to bear.”

They should be, Jared supposes. Jensen is as much of an adult as he can be, and he doesn’t need someone to look after him, but his story, the way Jensen accepts his fate makes his heart break just a little.

It doesn’t distract him from the fact that Jared’s life is still not good, but maybe now he won’t have to feel so alone. Jensen shouldn’t have to do this on his own, not like Jared did. No one should.

“No. Not anymore.” Jared’s words surprise even himself, but he finds that he means that, truly. With only slight hesitation, Jared is stepping forward, drawing closer to Jensen. He reaches out and Jensen flinches, cowering like a scared fawn in the meadows.

He reaches out and Jensen flinches, cowering like a scared fawn in the meadows.

“Why--Why are you doing this? What consequence of yours...Why do I matter to you when you have such burdens of your own?” Jensen’s voice cracks, breaks, and shatters, and he puts two firm hands on Jared’s chest, staring up at him.

“I don’t know.” Jared replies softly, gently. He envelops Jensen in his arms, bending his head to breathe deep at Jensen’s hair. “I don’t know, young prince, but you do. You matter...to me.” 

It’s not a lie, not anymore. There was a time not so long ago where Jared would have leapt at the idea of bringing Jensen pain, but that’s the furthest thing from his mind.

“I don’t know what it’s like.” Jared whispers, taking a deep breath. “I’ve never...This is all I know, but I was young once. I know hardships.”

Jared doesn’t know what it means to be betrothed, has never been in that situation, but he’s been burdened with heavy obligations, and he had no one there to help him along the way, no one to offer support and comfort. Since Jensen saved his life, Jared feels like he owes him at least that much.

Jared feels Jensen’s fingers digging into his shirt, clawing and clinging at the same time, like he’s trying to push Jared away but keep him close the while, and Jared holds on tighter, kissing the boy’s hair. “Hush now, darling boy. It’ll be alright. You’ll see.”

It’s the kind of hug Jared would have liked when he lost his father, a small comfort and a promise of security. It feels paternal, almost fatherly to hold Jensen like this.

Reluctantly, Jared pulls away, and he’s not shocked so see Jensen weeping so openly. “There now.” Jared whispers and brushes away the tears under Jensen’s eyes with his thumbs. “You’re safe. You’re safe _with me._ ”

“Why?” Jensen asks, eyes threatening to spill once more. “Why are you saying this?”

“Because...because you saved me, Jen. It’s my turn to save you, and I will. I swear it. As long as I am here, I will protect you. Always.” Jared drops his hands but grabs hold to one of Jensen’s wrists, starts to walk towards the bed. “Lie down for me.”

Jensen looks hesitant, but Jared smiles and he complies. He takes his time getting under the blanket and lying on his back, staring up at Jared.

“I wanna tell you a story.” Jared begins as he takes a seat on the edge of the bed. He brings up a knee and rests it across Jensen’s legs.

“What kind of story?” 

“The best kind.” Jared answers simply. Leaning in, he brushes Jensen’s hair from his face, smiling when the boy closes his eyes and leans into Jared’s gentle touches.

“There was this boy, a long time ago or in the distant future--It doesn’t matter. The point is, there was boy, and he was happy. He had his parents-a beautiful young mother who doted on him, a father who called him a shining light. The boy was treasured, special.”

“Was it me, ‘cause I gotta say that wasn’t my life...”

Jared rolls his eyes and presses a finger to Jensen’s lips. “No, conceited.” Jared laughs, shaking his head. “He was just a boy. No one important, not to most of the world, but, like I said, to his parents, he was the world. He was everything.”

Jared pauses and closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath, lets the story come to him. “I think it’s the future, yes. There are machines that people ride in, getting to their destinations faster than foot or boat. There are homes on top of homes, and people don’t feel the need to intervene with the lives of others. Now, this boy, in this wonderful future, was as happy as a boy could be. He wanted for nothing, but still, selfishly, he felt as if there was something missing.”

Jensen yawns, and Jared resists the overwhelming urge to kiss those parting lips. Jensen is sweet, and Jared feels dirty for the way he used to think of the boy.

“What was missing?” Jensen asks, voice thick and heavy with sleep.

“I’m not sure. He never found it, but sometimes...Jensen, sometimes when he slept, when he dreamed, he felt...something. A pressure on his hand, a grip on his fingers, and though he couldn’t see it, there was someone there, keeping him afloat, anchoring him down. in his dreams, this boy was...was so loved, so cherished, and in his dreams, he felt as though nothing could stop him.”

“Did he ever find out who it was, who tied him down?”

Jared shakes his head with a soft smile. “No. No, he didn’t.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Jensen’s words are slurred, eyes slipping shut.

“Me, too.” Jared whispers, and he tugs the cover up higher, tucking Jensen in. 

For a while, Jared sits there, looking after Jensen while he slept. Before the dawn, he leans down and gently brushes his lips to the corner of Jensen’s sweet mouth, closing his eyes as he cards his fingers through the boy’s hair.

“Goodnight, sweet prince.” Jared whispers, startling when one of Jensen’s eyes blink open.

“G’night.” It’s so quiet that Jared barely hears it, but he doesn’t miss the small smile on Jensen’s lips, nor does he miss the feel of the boy’s hand on his neck.

It only lasts a second before Jensen’s hand falls, his body further drifting off, but the actions make Jared grin nonetheless.

He slips from the room quietly, content for the first time in years. When he sleeps that night, he dreams of the boy he spoke of, thinking for just moments, that he might have an idea as to who kept him from sinking under. For the longest time, Jared thought of that person as a lover, but now he’s thinking that maybe, there’s a possibility that all he ever really needed was a friend, someone to look after and care for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, I think they're awesome.


	7. Part Six

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Chapter6.png.html)

For a while, things are peaceful and nice. He sees Jensen every day. Somehow, they make the time. Sometimes, it’s for mere seconds, in passing, but Jensen will reach out and touch Jared’s arm, smiling secretly like it’s just the two of them.

Other times, in the cover of the night, they’ll sit by a crate on the deck and talk for hours. Jared tells him crazy stories from his dreams, about the boy, about his life, stories of the distant past or the ever-approaching future. Occasionally, Jared will tell him about their lives.

He sees Jensen older, dressed in strange clothes made out of the oddest fabrics. He gives Jensen glasses in his head because Jensen’s vision is hazy now. Sometimes, there are other people in Jensen’s life, and when Jared tells Jensen that, Jensen only smiles and shakes his head. He’ll reach out and grab Jared’s hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the skin. 

“When I think of the future, do you know what I see?”

“No.”

“You. Always you, Jared. Nothing feels more right.”

Hearing Jensen say that melts through to Jared’s core. He’s been with the boy, being his friend, his confidant, and while that’s great, Jared realizes something. 

Jensen is an amazing young man, filled with life and laughter so bright that Jared forgets about his own troubles when they’re together. Jensen makes Jared feel like he’s worth something more than a deckhand and a whore, like his life has meaning and value.

Jared finds Jensen attractive. He’s not blind, but their relationship is platonic. He has the feeling that Jensen seems him more like a father, and Jared would feel terrible to betray the trust they’ve built.

Jared has a small amount of hope reserved that Jensen might someday soon look to Jared and see him the way Jared sees him, more than parent and friend. He wishes that Jensen found him desirable. 

If only things stayed that easy for long. Every so often, out of the corner of his eye, he’ll see someone watching him while he’s with Jensen. He suspects that someone’s gathering information, silently stalking them, but Jared doesn’t let it bother him. Jensen is his friend, his companion in the crazy life, and he vows to himself to protect the boy no matter what the cost.

Jared goes down to bed after leaving Jensen on deck. They had just spent hours looking up at the stars, and Jared spoke for most of it, telling Jensen what he thought of the sky. Jared always thought that the stars were just out of reach, waiting for someone to go up, to get as high as they can and just touch. Someday, he had told Jensen, man will finally know what it’s like to be there, to look down from the heavens. 

Jensen told him he was flat-out insane, but that only made Jared laugh hard, hearty sounds until Jensen laughed as well. It was an amazing night that ended with an embrace and Jared’s lips on Jensen’s forehead.

He’s whistling a tune, and there’s a smile on his face right until he gets to his hammock. The smell is what he notices at first, and he looks around. His space is usually a little closed off. No one’s really all that close since Jared’s so large, and it’s worse for everyone to sleep in cramped quarters. Nothing really looks all that off. The hammocks are filled, men sleeping.

He frowns and steps closer, covering his nose. There’s a puddle under his hammock, and he cocks his head to the side, confused. “What in the world?” He mutters to himself, and that’s when he recognizes the smell.

It’s piss. Someone actually pissed in his bedding. He can already guess at who it is. Christian did see them earlier, and he’s close enough with Morgan that he might tell if prompted. Okay. It’s not a big deal. 

It’s not like there’s really anything to tell. He’s friends with Jensen, and, sure, sometimes they might hug, but that’s as far as it goes. As much as Jared thinks he’d love to be with him, to really be with Jensen, he knows it’s not something Jensen can have, not with his life. And honestly, Jared’s not even sure Jensen thinks of him as anything more than a friend.

Jared moves a little further away from his hammock and lies down, curls up on the floor. The boat rocks and sways, and getting to sleep is hard with the floor being splintered and creaky under his weight, but he slumbers after a while. It’s certainly not the best sleep he’s ever had, but it’s better than sleeping in piss.

He wakes up with the others, but he finds himself cornered. Christian and a man Jared knows must be Steve are standing in front of him when he opens his eyes. “Hi?” Jared tries, but Steve only laughs.

“We got somethin’ for ya, Jay-red.” Steve singsongs, and Christian snickers, nodding. Jared notices he’s got both hands behind his back. “Show him, Chris.”

Christian brings his hands out, practically shoves them in Jared’s face. “Those are my shoes...”

“Aye...Aye, but we’ve altered them. We’ve made them better.”

That’s when Jared sees the colorful pieces of broken glass. “I...I don’t understand.”

“What’s there to understand? You’re going to wear them.”

“No. No, I won’t.” Jared rushes out, shaking his head. There’s nothing they could do to him to make him wear those, to walk about and perform his duties on broken glass. “Hurt me all you want, but I refuse to wear them.”

Christian rolls his eyes. “Hurt you? Why on earth would we do that?”

Steve nods along. “Yeah, why? We just want you to accept our gift. That’s all.”

“No.” Jared repeats firmly.

“Oh, you’ll wear them alright. And you wanna know why? Tell him, Steve.”

Steve grins, and his smile is more than a little terrifying. “If you don’t, it’s not you we’ll send to the lashes. Pretty, little, _Jensen_ did so well when he got his before, don’t you think? I wonder how he’d like it if _I_ were the one delivering.”

It’s not even against Morgan’s rules. Not when it’s Christian and Steve since they’re so high up in the rankings. All one of them would have to say is that Jensen was misbehaving, that it was a lesson, and as long as no one _touched_ him, they would not be at fault.

Jared’s eyes widen, and he gulps audibly. Steve’s known as ruthless when it comes to dishing out punishment. Jared’s seen the man rip flesh from bone with a whip.

He reaches out for the sandals as he sits up a little. “I’ll wear them.” Jared tells them, nodding a few times. He refuses to allow Jensen to suffer on account of him. “They’re lovely. Thank you.”

“Yeah, we thought you’d like ‘em.” Christian beams as Jared slips on the shoes. “Here, let me help.”

Christian grabs onto Jared’s wrists and pulls him up, and Jared bites his lip to stifle his cry. He feels the glass under his feet, and when he moves them, when he walks, they cut and tear and dig into his skin.

“Thank you.” Jared says once more, bowing just a little before moving up the stairs to get started on his work.

He doesn’t see Jensen until that night, and his feet are raw and sore, bleeding. Jared’s sitting in the head, glad that for once he’s the only one around before Jensen comes inside.

“Jared? You in here?” Jensen’s voice is quiet, and Jared knows he’s just trying to be cautious. 

“Yeah, Jensen. I’ll be a few minutes, okay? Can I meet you...Maybe in your room?”

“See you soon.” 

Jared hears the footsteps echo during their departure and he finishes cleaning off his feet with lukewarm water as best he can. He’s peeling off skin and chucks of meatier flesh, but the pain is somehow tolerable.

There’s nothing to wrap them with so he just deposits the broken glass in the waste before limping towards Jensen’s room, the mop in hand as he goes. He makes sure to stop every couple of feet and clean up his mess, mopping as he walks backwards, and he grunts when his back hits Jensen’s door.

“Jared?” He hears Jensen’s voice from the other side, and he smiles, setting the mop against the wall of the ship before making his way inside.

Jensen looks happy to see him. Jared beams and crosses the room, but Jensen must notice something off in Jared’s gait because he’s quickly getting off the bed and making his way over to Jared, face full of concern. It’s sweet.

“Sit down.” Jensen urges, and Jared doesn’t question him, just does as he’s told. “Tell me what happened?”

Jared nods a little and pats the place beside him, waiting for Jensen to take a seat next to him. He smiles, finally feels relieved for the first time all day when Jensen laces their fingers together. 

“It’s my feet. They’re all cut up.” Jared explains, looking to Jensen who nods at him to go on. “They’ve seen us. You know Christian...Him and Steve _made_ me wear them.”

“Seen us? Why would they care?” 

“You’re off limits, Jen. I know you don’t think of me as more than a friend, but they think there’s more to what we have. It’s silly, I know, but this is the price I must pay.”

Jensen gasps, squeezing Jared’s hand briefly before letting go and kneeling before Jared. “Why’d you do it? Why didn’t you say no?” Jensen asks as he gently eases one of Jared’s feet from the floor, looking to the cuts and digs with a frown on his face.

Jared hisses out a huge breath through clenched teeth when Jensen runs the tip of his finger down the length of Jared’s foot. “I...I had to. They were gonna hurt...you. Jensen, I couldn’t--I’d do _anything_ for you, love. Anything.”

When Jared looks down again, he can see that Jensen’s got tears in his eyes, and he frowns, leaning forward and cupping Jensen’s cheeks. “Don’t cry.”

“This happened for me. You’re hurt because of me.” Jensen sounds so horrified by the idea, but Jared only smiles.

“I’d walk the plank if it’d keep you safe, darling boy.”

Jensen lets out a sob, shaking his head and leaning to bury his face in Jared’s lap, shoulders shaking as he cries.

“Jen, don’t cry. I’m alright. I swear to you.” Jared rubs the back of Jensen’s head with his hand, shushing him soothingly. 

“I’m just...I _hate_ this, Jared. I hate that this is happening because of me.”

Jared shakes his head, gulping. “It’s worth it. You hear me? _You_ are worth it.”

“But that...It’s too much. Why would a person do that for me, for a friend like me?” Jensen says after a few long moments, peering up at Jared through wet lashes. “Do you...Jared, do you _love_ me?”

Jared swallows at the sudden lump in his throat. He’s pretty sure he’s been in love with Jensen since that night when Jensen pulled him back, when they stayed up talking and getting to know each other, even when Jared had thought that nothing could possibly ever become of them, he loved him still.

“I do, Jensen. I love you...more than I’ve ever loved anything.” Jared admits, his voice strong and filled with conviction. 

Jensen seems shocked, and he blinks a few more tears away that Jared’s quick to brush off. “What’s the matter now, darling?” He asks with a soft kind of chuckle.

“It’s just...” Jensen pauses and he dips his head down, nose brushing over Jared’s cock through his pants, accidentally it seems. “It’s just...no one’s ever said that to me before. No one.”

Jared reacts quickly, pulling Jensen with two firm hands on his face. “ _I_ love you.” Jared repeats and seals their mouths together.

Jensen doesn’t react at first, mouth pliant against Jared’s so he tries a different tactic. He lightly runs just the tip of his tongue over the seam of Jensen’s lips, trying to coax his mouth open. Jared groans when Jensen’s lips part, and he slips his tongue inside, taking advantage of the situation and sliding the slick wet muscles together.

He feels Jensen’s fingers digging into his biceps, and Jared kisses Jensen deeper, sucking on his lower lip, nipping at it. “I love you so much.” Jared whispers against Jensen’s mouth, and he’s damn near giddy when Jensen moans and surges on him, pushing Jared’s back against the bedding. 

“Slow down, Jen. We got all the time in the world.” He promises, but as soon as the words fall from his lips, he knows what a lie that is.

Jensen must see it, too, because in a quick second, he’s getting off of Jared and sitting beside him, pulling his knees to his chest. Jared frowns and sits up as well, gets on his knees and hesitantly, he reaches out and brushes his fingers down Jensen’s arm.

“One day,” Jared starts, smiling when Jensen looks his way. “One day, we’re going to leave this place behind. We’re going to see cities larger than you’ve ever imagined. We’ll travel to them all. Together. I promise you that, Jensen...Do you believe me?”

Jensen looks at him hesitantly, calculating. “How can you say such things when you know them not to be true? How--How can you lie to me, to the one you supposedly love so much?”

Jared blanches, and he’s hurt by Jensen’s words, but he doesn’t let it show. “Lie to you? Never.” Jared promises and he reaches out and grabs his hand, holds it between two of his own. “I say these things because I believe them. All my life, ever since I came here, I imagined somewhere else, somewhere better. Somewhere where no one’s gonna care about who I am.”

“Tell me about it?” Jensen asks slowly. “Tell me about the place in your dreams.”

Jared smiles and leans forward, brushing his lips across Jensen’s forehead.

“For one thing, for as long as I can remember, I was never alone. Sometimes, my father was there, my mother, too, but...And they made me happy, but it was more than that, y’know. I always felt like someone I couldn’t see was standing right in front of me, holding my hands, and you know what? Looking at you right now, I see it plain as day, Jensen. You’re who I’ve been dreaming about, who I been waiting for, and I say that we’re going to travel and just be together because I _know_ that deep down inside me, that’s what’s going to happen. It can’t not.”

“How? How, Jared, do you think we could...I am engaged to be married. In just a few weeks time, no less. How would we pull this off?”

“We’re gonna run away.” Jared answers simply, pulling Jensen closer and rubbing down his back. He sighs when Jensen nuzzles his chest, smiles a little. “As soon as we dock, I’m going to take your hand-if you let me, and I’ll take you away from all this. Take us places I’ve only seen in my head.”

Jensen looks up at him, and Jared kisses his nose. “Okay, Jared. Okay, my love, my heart...”

Jared swallows thickly, almost has to urge to bite back tears because he’s only imagined Jensen saying those things to him. 

“I’m yours, Jared. And I believe that we can do this...together. Always.” 

Jared cups Jensen’s face with both hands, pulling him up for a kiss. One kiss turns into several long ones with teasing tongues and lips that just won’t quit, not that Jared would ever want them to.

He moans when Jensen straddles his lap, tosses his head back with a whimper when the boy, _his_ boy mouths along Jared’s stubble-covered jaw. “Jensen.” It’s no more than a whisper, but Jared says the name like his throat is on fire.

“I’m right here.” The way Jensen says it sounds like a promise to Jared, and he groans when he feels the string of sharp teeth sinking into his neck. He gets his hands on Jensen’s ass, fingers sliding under the thin breeches until he’s got two handfuls of warm skin.

“I want you.” Jensen whispers in Jared’s ear, and he feels a shiver down his spine when Jensen circles the shell of Jared’s ear with his tongue. “Can I be inside you? Will you let me, Jared?” 

With a strangled cry, Jared moans. He’s never wanted anything more. Sex has always been one sided, something Jared was forced into or something Jared let happen. This is something new entirely. This is Jensen, the man he’s in love with, the man who loves him in return and _wants_ to be with him. He feels nervous and anxious, his heart racing with new desire. 

With haste, he surges up and peels Jensen’s shirt from his body, revealing delicious skin that he can’t wait to taste. Jensen’s body is slim but line with thin muscles, more man than boy. There are freckles dusting over his chest, and Jared leans in and flicks his tongue out, tracing Jensen’s nipples.

Jared’s never done that before, never kissed and touched someone because he wanted to. It’s exhilarating, and his heart’s beating so hard he fears it might rip from his chest. 

He groans at the feel of Jensen’s fingers tangling in his hair as he sucks hard one Jensen’s chest, tonguing the nub until it’s reddened and hard under his mouth. 

“C’mon, Jared. Please. Please, hurry. I-I need you.”

That alone would drive Jared forward. Being needed is not something he’s ever heard. He’s been wanted and taken, but never needed, not ever.

Jared doesn’t need to here more than that. He moves to pull his shirt from his body, and he’s just a bit smug when he hears Jensen gasp at the sight of Jared’s tanned and sculpted torso. “Like what you see?” He asks in jest, not expecting Jensen to push him down against the bed, to yank his pants off like he does.

“...Fucking hell, Jared. So beautiful. So-so _big_.”

Jared leans back, and the next thing he knows, there’s warm suction on his cock, and he looks only to find Jensen’s mouth there. It’s all heat, warm and wet and so perfect that Jared can hardly even stand it. No one’s ever done this for him, and it’s no surprise-at least not to Jared-that after a few bobs of Jensen’s head, he’s coming down the boy's throat.

Jensen swallows it all, and, if anything he looks more desperate and wanton as he pulls off, licking over Jared’s cock like he’s trying to savor every last drop. He can’t watch anymore, just whimpers when he feels Jensen’s fingers-slick and warm-pressing at his hole.

“You, God. Jensen, you don’t have to. ‘m used to it.” 

“I want this to feel good, Jared. And more importantly, I want you to feel good. Just shut up and let me, okay?”

Jared wants to laugh, feels giddy with excitement until there’s pressure at his ass. When Jensen’s finger enters him, it’s slow and teasing. He’s just rubbing the tip of one finger inside, and Jared can’t get enough.

His hands tangle in the bedclothes, his back arching, sore and raw heels digging into the mattress, and he feels no pain, not now. “Jensen. Jensen.” Jared repeats the name over and over again, chanting it like a mantra, like something he _has_ to say.

By the time Jensen’s pulling his fingers-three of them-free, Jared’s cock is hard again, shiny with a smear of precome at the head, and he whimpers when Jensen’s tongue laps at it.

“Want you so bad, Jared. Love you so much.” Jensen’s voice sounds raw and ragged, and then Jared’s feeling the head of Jensen’s cock breech him.

For the first time in his entire life, Jared feels connected, like he’s apart of something bigger than himself, bigger than this life, this ship, the captain. He’s in love, and he’s loved, and Jared could scream for joy with how deeply emotional he feels in this moment.

Jensen hooks his arms around Jared’s thighs as he pushes in, both of them groaning at the pleasure of being so entwined with someone else. 

It’s not the most coordinated, but Jared likes that it doesn’t feel rehearsed, that is new to the both of them in different ways.

“Never...Jared, never felt anything like this before. So good...God!” 

Jared knows that Jensen is, was a virgin, and the thought of being his first is nothing but exciting and awe-inspiring. It feels so good that Jared doesn’t have words to describe.

Jensen moves inside him, the passage smooth from the slick. Jared’s breathing hard, his chest flushed with exhilaration. Every muscle feels tense and relaxed at the same time, and when Jensen leans down and hungrily licks at Jared’s mouth, he swears he can see stars.

His fingers press desperately into Jensen’s back, keeping him close as their bodies rock together. When Jensen’s speed becomes more erratic, less stable than before, something inside of Jared breaks.

He tosses his head back and cries out, coming for the second time hard, and this time no one’s touched him. The only thing that got him there was the feel of 

Jensen’s cock inside him. Reflexively, Jared tenses around him, breath shuddering.

“Oh....Oh my. Yes...Yes, Jared!” Jensen nearly screams as he comes. Seconds later, Jared can feel the warm wetness of Jensen’s release drip out of him as he pulls out. 

“That was...amazing.” Jensen tucks himself into Jared’s arms, and instinctively, Jared wraps an arm around his shoulder, kissing the top of his head.

“Will you stay with me?” Jensen asks, and Jared can tell how tired he is by the way he slurs his words.

He wants nothing more than to say yes and forever, but he can’t make that promise. “Until you fall asleep, love. Tonight and every night after.”

And Jared stays, holding Jensen in his arms until he drifts off and after, content and happy to watch him sleep. Jensen loves him. It’s strange to think that not long ago, Jared was ready to end his life, and now he couldn’t imagine being happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, I think they're awesome.


	8. Part Seven

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Chapter7.png.html)

Things aren’t easy, keeping their love a secret, but Jared thinks they manage just fine. They share kisses in the moonlight, slow dancing to the sound of Jensen’s gentle humming under the stars. They make love sometimes for hours at a time. 

On occasion, it’s rough and unyielding, a constant search for pleasure that throws them over the edge, that has them bucking and moaning and skidding Jensen’s bed across the floor. 

Other times, Jensen will kiss down every inch of Jared’s body, making him feel precious and treasured. He’ll work Jared open with his fingers slowly, not teasing but acting like there’s so much time, that there’s no need to rush. And Jensen will breach him, have Jared clawing at his back, spitting off filth and promises of love and devotion at the same time. Secretly, that’s what Jared likes the most.

After, no matter what they do, they lie together on Jensen’s bed, sweating and catching their breaths, tangled in each other’s arms. Jared will kiss Jensen until he falls asleep, but he never dozes himself, can’t afford to get caught.

He’s seeing less and less of Chad, but Chad doesn’t seem to mind. He only tells Jared that he hopes he knows what he’s getting himself into. Jared knows, and though the consequences if they were ever found would be, no doubt, great, it doesn’t deter him. For as long as Jensen will have him, he’s his, completely, and that’s the only feeling he needs, the only things he clings to.

Today’s a special day, one of fear and regret for one man, for Jared, it’s a break. There’s to be an execution. He’s not sure what the offending man did to warrant such a thing, but Jared’s heart feels heavy only because he can picture himself there if they were ever discovered.

When it’s time, the crew is gathered around, watching and waiting. Some cheer and others weep, but Jensen cringes at the sight. Jared does none of that. He’s used to it, seen this many times before. He’s watching Jensen’s face from a distance, more focused on that then the man about to take a step of the boat. 

Jared’s not sure what his discretion was, and knowing Morgan, his death probably wasn’t warranted, but he’s seen it enough. Morgan doesn’t like something, and the transgressor is disposed of. Jared supposes there are worse ways to die.

Jared bites his lip when he sees a tear slip down Jensen’s cheek. Jensen doesn’t know the man, but Jared thinks his compassion and sympathy is admirable.

“A moment of silence.” Morgan bellows after the splash, and Jared dips his head down and mutters a prayer out of habit more than anything else.

When it’s done, things go on like nothing ever happened. There’s places to be, a new destination on their horizon very soon, and nothing stops their work for long.

Jared dives into his duties, though they’re not too difficult, the repetitive nature is more than a little tiresome. He goes to bed that night but he doesn’t sleep, wants to see Jensen. He waits until the very last man is asleep in the crew quarters before creeping down and exiting that part of the boat.

He climbs the ladder up until he’s on the floor where the private bed quarters are located, and he glances around, making sure no one’s around before finishing the climb and getting his feet on solid ground. Jared rounds the corner and makes his way to Jensen’s room, knocking softly on the door before coming inside, closing it behind him.

Seeing Jensen curled on his side on the bed makes Jared’s heart swell, and he takes a few hesitant steps forward. “Jen?” He asks softly, approaching, and Jensen lets out a wrecked sob, crying out for Jared.

Jared’s quick to close the remaining distance, and he sits down on the bed next to him, puts a hand on Jensen’s arm, squeezing it. “Love, will you tell me what’s got you so upset?”

Jensen sits up, and he looks at Jared like he’s just been betrayed, hurt flooding to anger, and Jared really doesn’t understand.

“How can you ask me that?!” Jensen asks, clearly enraged.

Jared gulps. He doesn’t want to further anger Jensen, but he is being seriously loud, and they can’t afford to get caught yet again. 

“Is--Was it because of what happened?” He wonders softly, keeping his voice a gentle tone.

“Of course!” Jensen shouts. “What...Jared, do you not understand?”

“I don’t think I do.”

“Jared, that man died. He wasn’t a warrior. He didn’t die on land, and the sea goddess is not so kind.”

Jared vaguely knows of who Jensen was speaking about, but he doesn’t know what it has to do anything that happened today. He gives Jensen a perplexed look, cocking his head to the side.

“I just don’t want his soul to be lost.” Jensen says to Jared’s look, and Jared takes a breath, relieved.

“Darling, is that all?”

Jensen frowns, but Jared can see the anger fading from him, the fight gone. “What do you mean ‘is that all’?”

Jared takes a risk and scoots closer, opening his arms, smiling when Jensen falls into him. He rubs up Jensen’s back and kisses the top of his head, tells his story.

“Jensen, love, his soul is not lost.” Jared begins only to be cut off by Jensen asking what he means.

“It’s different out here. For us. When we die, we’re not abandoned. Our gods do not leave us.”

“They don’t?” Jensen asks, sounds so much like a child that Jared nearly flinches.

He doesn’t though, just shakes his head and smiles. “No, my sweet. When a man dies at sea, his soul is...is rescued.”

“How?”

“Let me finish!” Jared smiles indulgently and wipes a tear from Jensen’s cheek. “As I was saying before you _rudely_ interrupted is that when a man dies, Davy Jones and the Flying Dutchman finds him. The soul is carried away, safe until it reaches its destination.”

Jared doesn’t really have faith in that, and he’s not honestly sure he’s telling the story right. He’s heard bits and pieces about Davy Jones’ locker on different ports, and sometimes the crew will speak of the Dutchman. Jared’s pretty sure they don’t actually go together, but his story seems to stop Jensen from shaking.

“And where would he go?” Jensen wonders, sniffling a little. Jared can tell he’s calmed down when Jensen pulls away, focusing on what Jared’s saying. 

“Lie down with me, and I’ll tell you.” Jared offers and he moves to scoot down the bed. Jensen follows and lies on his side, both facing the other. Jared reaches and grabs Jensen’s hands and twines their fingers together, bringing his hand to his mouth and kissing over his knuckles.

“Your goddess Rán will come for him and pray for his soul. She’ll either take him...home, or he’ll continue his journey to the Locker. I assume it’s like hell.”

Jensen nods a little, seems to accept Jared’s answer, and for that, he is grateful. Jared shifts closer and wraps both arms around Jensen’s frame, nuzzling his hair, taking deep breaths with his eyes closed. “Sleep now, Jensen.” He whispers.

Jared doesn’t plan to be around when Jensen wakes up, but he certainly adores the feeling of Jensen dozing in his arms.

After nearly ten minutes, Jensen nudges Jared’s chest with his chin. “Hmm?” Jared asks, pulling his head away.

Jensen looks exhausted, and he has tear tracks down his cheeks, but he’s still the most beautiful being Jared’s ever laid eyes on. “When we die, will Rán come for us here at sea, separate us after The Dutchman takes us?”

Jared bites his lip and looks away briefly. Jared isn’t much of a believer, and, even if he was, Jensen won’t be on board much longer. Still, when he turns back to Jensen, he smiles, shakes his head.

“No. No, darling. We needn’t worry ‘bout that. When we go, it’s gonna be together, and whatever happens, I’ll never leave you. I swear it.”

Jensen smiles so Jared leans in and pecks a kiss on Jensen’s mouth. Jensen, on the other hand, seems to have other ideas. Jared moans softly when he feels Jensen’s hands tangle in his hair, deepening the kiss.

“I love you...so much.” Jensen says against Jared’s mouth, and Jared groans, gripping Jensen’s arms and shifting their bodies, pulling Jensen on top of him as Jared moves to lie on his back.

Jensen sits back, and Jared grins up at him, his hands sliding up and down Jensen’s thighs. “You’re so beautiful.” Jared whispers, in awe. He feels nothing but lucky that Jensen wants this with him, wants him period.

“Want you, Jared.” Jensen whispers, taking a breath. “Can I have you?” It’s a silly thing to ask, but Jared nods just the same. He’d give Jensen anything he wants.

“You want me?” Jensen’s voice is soft, almost hesitant. Jared could smack him upside the head for being so stupid.

“Always, Jen. Always.”

That seems to be the right answer because Jensen’s suddenly sitting back further, lifting his shirt up and peeling it off. 

Jared will never get over how beautiful he is.

“Then have me.”

Jared’s eyes widen. He’s never had Jensen, not like that. Sure, they mess around, and sometimes Jensen will take Jared, and Jared can admit that he loves the feeling of Jensen inside him, but Jensen’s never once offered that to Jared, and Jared’s never pushed for it. He doesn’t care either way as long as it’s Jensen.

“You...Are you sure?” Jared asks.

Jensen rolls his eyes and grabs Jared’s hand. Confused, Jared goes with it, lets Jensen pull his arm until his fingers are pressing against...Oh. Oh, well, that’s certainly unexpected but definitely welcome. Jensen’s hard, just for him.

Jared groans and squeezes Jensen’s length through his soft, linen pants, eliciting a moan from Jensen so loud Jared fears that they’ll be caught at any moment.

He knows that should be terrifying, and a part of him in genuinely scared, but there’s something else hidden in those feelings. Beyond the fear and even the arousal, there’s a rush of excitement, and a very tiny part of Jared cannot help wondering what would happen if they did get caught, of what the crew and Morgan would think to know that Jensen _chose_ Jared for his own.

“Want you inside me, Jared. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. You have no idea how bad I want it.”

Jared moans when Jensen speaks, more than on board with the idea, has a pretty good idea because he’s _dying_ to be inside Jensen.

“Take your clothes off.” Jensen whispers, and he leans down and presses a soft kiss to Jared’s mouth before rolling off his body. Jared wants to watch whatever Jensen’s doing, but he’s right, Jared’s wearing entirely too many clothes to be an active participant. 

Jared slips his thumbs under the waist of his breeches and slides them down past his knees, kicks them off the rest of the way before pulling off his white cotton shirt and tossing both of them on the floor.

As soon as he’s undressed, he turns his head to Jensen, and he moans at what he sees. Jensen’s on his knees on the mattress, a pot of salve on the bedside table, and Jared can see where Jensen’s fingers have taken some of the slick.

Jensen’s working two fingers into himself, his head thrown back in pleasure as he all but rides his hand. Jared gets up on his knees as well, crawling until he’s in front of Jensen, and then he’s dipping a few of his fingers into the pot and collecting some of it, coating his fingers. 

“Look at you.”

Jensen suddenly opens his eyes, seems startled that Jared’s so close, but then he’s using his free hand to wrap around Jared’s neck and pull him closer, clashing their mouths together in a heated kiss.

Jared gets one hand on the swell of Jensen’s ass, spreading him open as he uses his other hand to circle a finger over Jensen’s hole. He rubs the pad of his finger around Jensen’s rim, feeling where Jensen’s fingers are opening him up.

Jared’s swallowing each one of Jensen’s deep moans, and he holds his hand steady as he adds a finger alongside Jensen’s two.

“J-Jensen.” Jared groans into Jensen’s mouth. He’s so tight around his fingers, and while Jensen’s scissoring himself open, Jared’s pushing his finger deeper, moving it in and out. He hits that spot inside Jensen, knows he had to have, because the next thing he knows Jensen’s bucking against his body. He can feel the hot drag of Jensen’s cock along the ridges of his abdomen, and he’s not sure how much longer he can wait.

As it turns out, Jared doesn’t have to wait very long. 

Jensen pushes at Jared’s chest, and Jared didn’t even notice Jensen pulling his fingers free. “Lie back.”

Jared obeys and stares up at Jensen, his own chest flushed and heaving. He hasn’t even had a hand on him, and there’s already a thin sheen of sweat coating his body. 

Jensen straddles him again, his fingers curling around the base of Jared’s cock to steady himself, and Jared lets out a strangled cry as Jensen sinks down on his dick until he’s fully seated.

Jared’s never felt anything like this before. Jensen’s body is so hot and tight around him, slick and almost velvety smooth. He’s trying so hard not to buck up because he _knows_ Jensen’s never had anyone inside him before, and Jared’s not small, not anywhere.

“Jared...” Jensen drawls out his name, voice ragged and raspy, and Jared’s never heard anything more beautiful.

Jensen steadies himself with hands on Jared’s chest, fingers digging in, and he starts to move, slowly raising himself off Jared’s cock before slamming back down.

“Oh...Oh, God, Jared. So damn big.” Jensen’s spitting filth as he rides Jared, going on and on about how good it feels, praising Jared’s cock, and Jared’s pretty sure he’s blushing. He’s never heard Jensen talk like that before.

Jared gets one hand on Jensen’s thigh, the other gripping Jensen’s cock in a tight fist, stroking him in time with how Jensen’s working his body on his own. 

“Jensen....Ah, Jensen!” Jared cries out, embarrassed that he’s come so soon, but Jensen only moans and clenches around him.

“Tighter!” Jensen urges, and Jared’s struggling but he complies, stroking Jensen’s cock roughly, rubbing his thumb over the head, smearing precome and sliding it down, working him faster.

When, moments later, Jared feels the hot spurts of Jensen’s release hit his stomach and chest, he groans, his cock twitching feebly though it’s still buried deep within Jensen.

“That was...wow.” Jensen says as he collapses against Jared’s chest. 

That’s an understatement as far as Jared’s concerned. He’s never felt anything quite like being inside someone he loves, and he’s certain that if it’s not with Jensen, it’ll never even come close to comparing.

His arms come up and wrap around Jensen’s back, both uncaring about the mess between them. He rubs up and down Jensen, tilts his head to press a kiss to Jensen’s head.

They share a few shy kisses, Jensen smiling, Jared grinning, and when, moments later, Jensen’s hissing as he gets off of Jared, he follows, wrapping his arms around Jensen again, desperately doesn’t want to let him go. Now or ever.

Jared leaves after Jensen falls asleep, tiptoeing back down the hall after getting dress, heads back to the ladder and pads to his hammock. It’s the best sleep he’s ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, I think they're awesome.


	9. Part Eight

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Chapter8.png.html)

A week before they’re to reach their destination, before he keeps his promise to Jensen to take him away, he’s pulled aside. That’s putting it mildly.

Christian takes Jared with a sword at his throat, leading him and throwing him into the captain’s quarters.

This is it. He knows it, can tell by the stern look on Morgan’s face.

“Christian, you may go.” Morgan growls.

Chisitan opens his mouth in protest. “But, sir--”

“--Go!”

Christian nods and leaves wordlessly, closing the door behind him.

“Jared.” The captain begins, and for the life of him, Jared can’t think of why he ever thought going back to him would be a good idea.

He’s attractive, the captain. Strong and age well, but he’s nothing Jared wants. Not now or ever again. He can believe that he used to want a life with him, even if it was just for convenience.

Jared nods and climbs to his feet, was crumbled on the floor when Christian tossed him, kicking at Jared’s back like he was some stray dog in the way. He supposes that’s an accurate description.

“I’ve been hearing things, my boy.”

Jared resists the overwhelming urge to spit at the captain. He’s not Morgan’s boy. Not anymore.

“Sir?” Jared asks instead, cocking his head to the side.

“It seems you’ve been...friendly with my boy.”

“Friendly, sir?” Jared asks, going for stupid, praying it works.

It doesn’t.

“Don’t pretend to not know what I’m talking about. You’ve been spotted. Kissing and touching. Do you have any idea _who_ he is?”

Jared nods once. “He’s important. A prince. Engaged.”

“Exactly, and yet you have the nerve to touch him? What’s the matter? The crew not giving it good enough? I had thought you’d found solace in that tow-headed boy...Chad. Surely, his hole’s as good as any others.”

“Don’t...Don’t say that. Don’t talk about Chad or Jensen like that. It--It’s not like that!”

“Then tell me, whore, what it _is_ like.”

“It’s...He’s not something I’m using...sir. He’s different. Special, even.” Jared tells him with conviction, voice strong. “He’s like no one I’ve ever known. I...I love him, and he loves me, and I know I...I know I broke your rule, but I can’t regret it. I won’t.”

Morgan nods, and Jared can tell he’s being calculated. “You _love_ my son? Like a man loves a woman?”

Jared nods, but it’s not the same. What he feels for Jensen doesn’t compare to anything else.

“You would wed him, if you could, aye?”

He nods again, firmly. “Aye, in a heartbeat, sir.”

Morgan surges then, pinning Jared against the wall with hands shoved against Jared’s chest. 

Jared barely even flinches.

“Has he touched you? What am I asking, you welcomed it, I’m sure. Have you touched him, _taken_ him?”

Jared swallows, and for the first time since Christian brought him in here, he feels afraid. He looks away, biting back tears and Morgan shoves at him with disgust.

“You vile, wretched boy. You’re nothing more than a bilge rat...Do you have any idea what that means? He’s unclean because of you. His innocence is gone. Gone! What wife will have him now?! How will I get his dowry if he’s unclean, you...you whore.” Morgan shouts, kicking at crates in the room, each loud thud causing Jared to flinch. 

“It’s sick is what it is. We...You don’t _love_ another man. That is...It’s sin, boy. You’ve sentenced yourselves to hell.”

“Sir, please. Please, whatever you want from me, I’ll do it. Just...just leave Jen out of this.” Jared begs, pleading with Morgan.

The captain merely scoffs and when Jared crawls on his knees closer, he kicks at him with his boot. “What could I possibly want from you? You’re nothing more than a strumpet! Not even a good one. You...Okay. Okay.”

Morgan seems to be thinking, and that can’t be bad. It might not be especially good, but maybe there’s a way Jared can get them both out of this.

“Does anyone know? Did you tell that mate of yours?”

Jared swallows and shakes his head. “No. No, sir. Just you.”

Morgan nods. “Okay. You want him out of it. Fine. His new bride won’t check there, and I doubt you’re worthy enough to Jensen to tell a soul about.”

The words hurt, and Jared’s crying, but he only nods, wants so desperately to get them out of this. “Thank you. Thank you, sir. I--I’ll do anything.”

Morgan laughs a little, shaking his head. “You don’t get it. I said I’d get him out of this. Not you. You have to be punished, Jared, my boy. And you know what that punishment is just as you know how _fair_ I am.”

A shudder travels down Jared’s spine. The plank. He’s going to die. He’s shaking, but he nods. There was a time when Jared would have been angry with Morgan’s words, would have felt betrayed. He was promised forever, and being tossed aside like this, being sent to his death should have provoked feelings of rebellion and hatred. Now he feels only thankful.

“As long as Jensen’s safe.” His voice cracks, heart breaking, but everything’s going to be alright. Jensen will live.

“That’s up to him, I’m afraid. You run along, tell him the news, and he agrees to silence, he can live. If not...Well, it’ll be two for one the deck tonight.”

Jared nods and scrambles to his feet. He’s supposed to meet Jensen soon anyway, is probably already late. He exits the room, thanking Morgan again for his kindness. On the walk, he tries his best to come up with ways to tell Jensen. Surely, the boy will understand. Jared’s not worth his life.

Jared finds Jensen sitting in his bedchambers, clearing awaiting Jared’s arrival, and he beams when he sees Jared, his green eyes light up. 

“You made it!” Jensen grins, reaching out for Jared, but his arms fall, and Jared assumes he catches the look on his face. Jared doesn’t have good news, not for Jensen, not for either of them.

“Jared, what is it?” He asks, and Jared walks closer, kneels by the bed and takes both of Jensen’s hands in his own. He dips his head down and presses a kiss to Jensen’s knuckles. 

“The captain found out ‘bout us.” Jared says quietly, gulping as he meets Jensen’s gaze. He watches the color drain from Jensen’s cheeks, sees his eyes widen.

“Oh.”

Jared nods a little, and he puts a hand on Jensen’s knee, tries to squeeze it reassuringly. Jensen, in turn, puts a hand on Jared’s bicep, holds it tightly.

“What’s gonna happen, Jared? What’s he gonna do?” Jared can hear how frightened Jensen is, and he does his best to smile despite everything he’s about to say.

“He ordered...They’re throwing me overboard, Jen. Tonight.”

Jensen starts to cry then, big, fat tears running down his cheeks, and Jared’s own eyes burn.

“You, uh, Jensen, you don’t have to do it. You’re safe.” The captain made this perfectly clear to Jared when they spoke.

A look of relief and maybe hope twists Jensen’s features. “What? Really?” He asks, and he even sounds a little excited.

“No. No, love, you don’t. You can stay. You can-can live a long life. It’ll be okay. You’ll see.”

Jensen seems to understand what Jared’s implying, that it will be only Jared taking the dive, and he immediately starts shaking his head. “No! No, Jared, not--not without you. I can’t. Jared, I won’t.”

Jared nods, blinking at the sudden rush of tears. “You can and you will, Jensen. You deserve this, okay? You deserve so much more than this life, more than Jeff and more than me. You...” Jared stops speaking when he feels the harsh slap connect across his face, reddening his cheek. “Jen--what?” 

“Shut up!” Jensen sounds angry, and Jared’s been the victim of Jensen’s anger before now. “You just stop it right now, alright? Don’t you dare talk like that.”

“But, Jen...”

“No. Jared, I’m not doing this without you. I’m not. If he wants you gone, then I’m going with you. I’d go with you anywhere, Jared, and you know that. How could you think I wouldn’t follow you to the ocean?”

Jared bites his lip hard, shakes his head. “Please, Jensen. I don’t want you to die.” He sniffs hard, brushing the snot away from his nose with the back of his head.

“Tough.” Jensen tells him, smirking a little. “We’re doing this to-together, and that’s final.”

“Okay.” Jared nods, and he lets himself be pulled into Jensen’s embrace, sighing and burying his face at Jensen’s neck. He rubs down Jensen’s back and for the first time, they cry together, holding on like there’s nothing else in the entire ocean, in the entire world that matters more than them.

Jared pulls away after a while, taking in Jensen’s expression. He doesn’t look good, looks so scared and sad, and Jared vows to fix that.

“We’re gonna get out of here, okay?” Jared’s trying his best to soothe Jensen, and he cups the other’s jaw, brushing thick tears away with his thumb. “You believe me, right?”

Jensen swallows, and Jared can see his Adam’s apple move, knows how choked up he is. Jensen nods a few times, even manages a small smile. “Gonna go far away.” Jensen sounds so scared, so much like the little lost child that Jared sometimes forgets he is. “We deserve it, right? We deserve so much m-more than...that this.”

Jared nods and he presses his lips hastily to Jensen’s forehead. “It’s gonna be okay, Jen. I promise. We’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna be together.”

Jared frames Jensen’s face with his hands, leans in to press their mouths together. He kisses him like it’s their first time, hesitant and slow, growing deeper, bolder until the desperation sinks in. Jared doesn’t want it to end, and he can feel Jensen’s tears on his cheeks.

The door slams open and connects with the wall, and Jared doesn’t stop kissing Jensen, can’t until he’s forced away.

His arms are being bound behind his back with ropes so tight they did into his wrists. He doesn’t focus on that. He won’t look away from Jensen. 

“Jared!” Jensen’s voice is cracked and broken, ragged. 

“I am yours, Jensen...Forever, I--” That’s all he gets a chance to say before he’s dragged away, squirming in the hold, kicking his feet. 

“Stay quiet, Jensen. Just keep your mouth shut, and you’ll survive this.” It’s Morgan, and a part of Jared’s praying that Jensen lied to him right now, that he’ll stay silent.

“No. No, I’ll talk. I’ll tell the world!” Jensen yells back, angry tears down his cheeks.

Jared blinks, his heart breaking. “Jensen, no! No, please.” He pleads as Jensen leaps across the room, throwing himself at the captain. 

Jensen doesn’t listen. He gets in Morgan’s face, his expression harder, darker than anything Jared’s seen on the boy before. 

“You kill him, and you kill me. That’s your only option, Jeff.” Jensen’s voice is deep, gruff and so much unlike the boy has come to know.

Morgan flinches. “My money won’t...I can’t get paid if you die, too, son.” 

Jensen makes a face of disgust, and he spits on the captain, eliciting a frustrated groan from Morgan. “I’m not your son. I’m not anything to do. You _will_ set Jared free or you’ll kill his both. There’s no other way out of this.”

The back of the captain’s hand connects with Jensen’s face hard, sending him to his on the floor. Jared cries and struggles, trying to break free, watching as Morgan grabs on to the front of Jensen’s shirt and pulls him to his feet. 

“You wanna die...for _him_? Be my guest.”

Jensen looks almost proud of himself with how he’s smiling, and he turns his head towards Jared, winks in his direction.

Jared doesn’t see much else. Jared feels the butt of a sword strike him across the top of his head before everything fades to black.

The first thing Jared sees when he wakes up is a rope, and when he blinks to clear his vision, the sight becomes more focused. It’s not just a rope, he realizes. The rope is holding Jensen’s hands behind his back. 

He can feel his own ropes cutting at his skin, and for a brief moment, Jared is picturing Jensen’s looser, hoping they’re not causing him any pain.

“Jensen!” He cries out and tries to move forward but a sword at his throat prevents his movement, and he just now realizes that people are holding to him. 

“Don’t you move.” One of them growls just as Jensen turns his head. He’s so very close to the edge of the boat, the opening where the cannon usually slots through. Jensen looks so beautiful in the moonlight, and Jared doesn’t see a tear on his face.

“Let’s go far away.” Jensen’s voice is a whisper, but Jared hears it as if Jensen were speaking in his ear. 

Jared returns the smile as much as he can before Jensen turns back, forced to with a blade against his back, and he steps forward, can’t be more than a foot away from walking right of the edge. “I...Jensen!”

Jensen turns again, still smiling. “I’ll love you, even in hell, Jared. ‘m yours.”

He’s pushed then, and Jared struggles, screaming as Jensen goes overboard. “Jensen, Jen!” He cries, kicking with his feet. He hears the splash a second later, and Jared knows that’s it. He doesn’t doubt that Jensen didn’t survive the fall, and if he had, it’s not like he’ll last long with his hands bound behind him.

He cries, tears streaming down his face in mourning. His boy is gone, dead because of him, and there’s only one place for Jared to go now. Life without Jensen is meaningless.

“Any last words?” The captain demands as Jared’s being pushed towards the edge, not that they have to try so hard because Jared’s walking willingly. There’s nothing left to live for at this point.

“I’ll see you at the bottom.” Jared’s talking to Jensen, words soft and quiet, but it’s a promise even if Jensen doesn’t get to hear it.

He doesn’t wait, just moves fast and steps up, closing his eyes and fucking smiling because soon, in heaven or hell, he’ll be with Jensen again, and there’s nothing in the entire world that can stop that, not with a love like they have. 

Jared whispers Jensen’s name one last time before taking that final step of the edge, preparing himself for what’s surely inevitable. He doesn’t scream as he falls, doesn’t open his eyes, just lets it happen.

Jared hits the water like a bullet hits a wall, hard and brutal. His ankle snaps on impact, and when he opens his mouth to scream, his lungs fill with water. It’s cold, freezing even, and it feels like Jared broke through ice. The pain is unreal, and he shivers violently.

This is it. This is the end. He’s drowning, his body fighting it with everything he has because as much as Jared’s ready for this, his body doesn’t want to die. It’s instinct and nothing else as he kicks and struggles in the water.

He opens his eyes and sees nothing but blue darkness and the bubbles that flow harshly from his nose and mouth. Jared’s chest hurts, aches so badly with his need to breathe, and his head feels odd, light and fuzzy, vision fading.

All of a sudden--Jared thinks this has to be a dream--he feels himself being pulled up, his arms being cut free. It’s hard for Jared to keep his eyes open, his eyelids feel so heavy.

“Jared? Jared, don’t do this, my sweet. You--You gotta get up! You have to. Please?” It’s an angel, has to be for Jared can’t think of any other alternative. There’s no reason he should be able to hear Jensen’s voice right now if he’s not in heaven, if Jensen’s not an angel.

“Dammit, Jared. Wake up.” But Jared can’t seem to make his eyes open. His arms are limp at his sides, face pressed against something wet and warm. “J-Jared.” Jensen’s sobbing, kissing Jared’s wet hair, doing his damnedest to keep them afloat. 

That’s when Jared realizes that this isn’t a dream. This is real, and Jensen’s here, and he needs to wake up, dammit. _Wake up, Jared,_ he tells himself, and he groans as he opens his eyes.

“Jared?” Jensen’s voice surprised, sort of a laugh, and he’s holding Jared tighter even as Jared’s arms reach out and grab Jensen’s hips, keeping him close because Jared can’t let go, not now.

He tilts his head back, and he beams when he sees Jensen’s smiling face looking at him. “Wha--How did you...Jen, you were so far back. How did you find me?”

Jensen only smiles and kisses Jared’s nose just once. “You made me a promise, Jared. How can I expect you deliver if I don’t at least get to ya first, huh?” Jensen smiles again, and it’s the best thing Jared’s ever seen in his entire life. He doesn’t need to know the details, doesn’t care how Jensen got free or how he’s free himself. None of that matters because Jensen’s here. Nothing gets better than that.

“I did.” Jared agrees, smiling right back. He wraps both arms around Jensen’s waist, holding him close. Jensen winds his arms loosely around Jared’s neck, biting his lip. “What is it?” Jared asks. “What’s wrong?”

It’s probably obvious. Together or not, they are stuck out here, and the ocean’s deadly, more so at night. If the sharks don’t get them, it’ll be the water or the sun tomorrow, the lack of food in their bellies or water down their throats. They’re going to die. It’s just a matter of when.

“Nothing.” Jensen smiles, and it doesn’t sound like a lie. “I love you.” Neither does that, so Jared grins and pecks a kiss to Jensen’s mouth once and then twice, and then once more just so Jensen knows how truly amazing Jared feels.

Jared’s swimming for them both as Jensen winds his legs around Jared’s waist, and he doesn’t feel the pain in his ankle with Jensen right there. He figures Jensen’s tired from making his way out here, to Jared, so Jared picks up his slack, owes him so much more than that, more than he could ever hope to repay.

“Tell me something, Jay.” Jensen’s voice is sweet in Jared’s ear as he nuzzles his throat.

“Hmm?”

“When we go...When..”

Jared shuts Jensen up, kisses him deeply. “When we go, we’re going together. I swear to you, Jen, with everything that I am.”

Jensen nods briefly, biting his lip, and Jared knows that look, knows there’s something still that Jensen wants to say.

“What is it, my love?”

“Tell me, Jared. Tell me where we’ll go.”

Jared smiles at the familiarity of Jensen’s words, and he rubs a hand down Jensen’s back. “Far away.” Jared begins, kissing Jensen’s cheek. 

“Somewhere...somewhere new.”

“Will the captain be mad?”

“No.” Jared shakes his head. “No, he’ll never be the wiser.” He says, grinning. “It’s gonna be amazing, Jensen. You’ll see. There’ll be people like us there, people who love who they love, who aren’t bound to anyone except to who they chose to be.”

Jared keeps talking like he has so many times since he met Jensen, telling him of their future plans, things they’ll see, the boy in his dream. The places they’ll go and the people they’ll be. As much as Jared knows that this is the real end, as much as he longs to not see Jensen suffer, there’s one thing he’s not lying about. 

“And you know, Jen, what the best part of all of that is?” 

“Tell me, Jared.” Jensen grins, repeating the words of his, of their past.

Jared hugs Jensen close to his body, legs kicking to support their combined weight. He’s already tired, and his ankle is so very sore. He’s growing weaker in the frigid water, and there’s ice forming on Jensen’s brow, his face growing pale, lips edging towards a deep blue color. Jensen is still so gorgeous, even like this.

He knows there’s not much more he’ll be able to do, but he also knows with absolute certainty that when that time comes, Jensen won’t let go. It’s the best feeling Jared’s ever had, and he can honestly say he’s never felt more at peace than he does in this moment.

“We’ll be together for always.” Jared’s teeth chatter, but he holds on tight, kissing Jensen again and again.

In the end, when the cold water takes over, when staying upright and breathing becomes too hard for Jensen, Jared doesn’t break his promise. 

Jensen’s struggling for air, the cold crushing his lungs, and Jared’s right there, running a hand down his cheek. Jensen’s skin is darker, lips a pale blue, and he coughs when he tries to speak. “J-Jared.” He sounds so weak, but Jared smiles at him, shaking his head.

“Rest now, love.” Jared whispers, kissing Jensen’s lips for the last time. Jensen’s forehead falls to Jared’s shoulder, and Jared cradles his back, nosing at his hair. There’s ice crystallizing there. 

“Forever.” Jensen’s last word is a strangled sound, one that leaves Jared shuddering, holding him tighter.

He doesn’t let go as his boy’s heart stops beating, doesn’t cry, just smiles against his forehead, kissing his hair, holding him tighter. “Always.” Jared swears, and his voice breaks a little, cracks like his heart.

Jared closes his eyes for the last time two hours after Jensen, still holding that beautiful but lifeless body against his own, and he goes out with a smile on his lips and a promise in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, I think they're awesome.


	10. Epilogue

  
[](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-ChapterHeader-Epilogue.png.html)   


When he opens them again, he’s alone in a bed in a room unlike anything he’s ever seen before. He sits up slowly and looks around, takes in the shelves of books. He hears something skitter across the floor, and when a weight dips on the bed, he shrieks.

It’s a mutt, he realizes, and it acts like he knows him, comes right up to Jared’s face and licks over his chin. 

He’s no longer terrified, but he’s completely confused. Still, he allows the dog to remain there as he absently pets the animal’s back.

“Who are you?” He asks like the beast could suddenly talk, and he hears a laugh so familiar and _right_ that he feels like his heart could burst.

Jared turns his head quickly, and he sees pants made of a thick dark blue fabric over bow-legged thighs, a soft green shirt--Jensen will later tell him that they’re jeans and a sweater--more accurately-and he sees Jensen’s face dusted with freckles and he’s sporting bifocals--glasses--over the bridge of his nose, his hair cropped short. 

Jared’s seen this person in his dreams before, but he doesn’t believe it. 

“J-Jensen?”

Jensen smiles, arms crossed against his chest from where he’s leaning against the entry way.

“Were you expecting something else?” Jensen asks with an amused laugh.

Jared’s not honestly sure what he was expecting to be honest, just not this.

“Jensen, what--where are we? What’s going on? H-how long have you been here?”

Jensen crosses the room, and crawls up the bed, scratching over the dog’s back absently before pushing him gently away. “Icarus, go.” Jensen says, and miraculously the dog obeys much to Jared’s confusion.

“Icarus?” Jared wonders, not that it’s really important, but the words fall before he has a chance to stop them.

“He was my dog when I was a child. He died before I came on the boat.” Jensen nods and sits on his knees between Jared’s thighs, his hands coming to frame Jared’s face. How that’s even possible, Jared doesn’t know, but nothing matters right now save Jensen’s warm and surprisingly smooth hands on his face.

Instinctively, Jared closes his eyes and leans into the gentle touches because not hours ago, he thought he’d never get this chance again. “Is this a dream?”

“No. No, love, it’s not. It’s our life now. One of them anyway.”

“One of them?” Jared looks up at Jensen, confused.

Jensen smiles, nodding before he leans down to peck a kiss to Jared’s lips. They’re softer than Jared remembers.

“Aye, one of them. You see, we have many lives. Or rather, we will. It seems our paths were destined to cross.”

“Why--How do you know all this?”

“I’ve been waiting for you, Jared. Time--It’s different here.”

Yes, Jared can see that. Upon closer inspection, he sees wrinkles cornering Jensen’s eyes, sees a jaw that’s stronger, a body large but still lithe. Jensen is, somehow, older and more beautiful than Jared thought possible.

“How...How long? How old are you now?”

Jensen shrugs a little, biting his lip. “Thirty-one.” He answers quietly.

Jared gulps audibly. _Thirty-one,_ he thinks. That means that Jensen’s been here, waiting for nearly fourteen years. “How is that possible? What’s going on? Jen, I’m scared.”

He has every right to be. Jensen’s older than himself, and he’s in this strange place. He’s supposed to be dead, and he has no idea what’s going on. There’s something Jensen’s not telling him, something he won’t say.

“Don’t be.” Jensen’s voice a whisper, and it draws Jared in, makes him forget about everything save him. Jensen’s arms wind around Jared’s neck, and he reaches and holds Jensen close to his body, taking deep breaths.

Jensen’s body is wider under Jared’s hands but still firm, and he buries his face in his neck, taking deep, shaky breaths. “Have you...Were you alone?”

Jensen shakes his head and kisses Jared’s hair, running his fingers through it. “At first, yes. I was as your are now. I woke up here on this bed with...with a puppy on my lap. But somehow, I just knew it was right. I felt you. I knew you were coming, and I knew all I had to do was wait. Eleven years...It took me weeks just to leave, and when I saw the wonders this world holds, I was terrified, but I’m here now. I met some amazing people, some that I cherish dearly.”

Jared tenses. He doesn’t want to hear if Jensen’s found another. A part of him is grateful that he wasn’t alone, but a larger, weaker part is so very jealous of the time they’ve lost.

“None compared to you, and I couldn’t...I never touched a one of them. I’ve been waiting for you, Jared. In every sense of the word. And do you wanna know why?”

Jared’s heart soars, thankful and excited, and he nods, holding Jensen tighter, squeezing him.

“I saw you. You were so brave, and you kept your promise. You didn’t let me go. You held onto me until the very end, and I’ve been waiting for you for so long, grateful that you didn’t break your promise. I waited so long that someone else made sure you didn’t break your other promises. To me. To be with me.”

“Someone? _Odin_?” Jared’s not sure why he’s bringing that particular god into this, more Jensen’s faith than his own, but seriously, this is far too strange to be real.

Jensen shrugs a little bit. “Does it really matter? You’re here now. With me. And we’re going to be together.”

“Always?”

“Always and forever, love. I swear it.” Jensen dips his head down again and kisses Jared deeply. He feels the light licks coaxing his mouth open as Jensen claws at his clothes.

Being with Jensen now is different. His body has changed, both of their bodies have. No longer are they marred with scars, and Jensen’s wider, soft around the middle. Jared makes a point to kiss the subtle flesh lining his abdomen when Jensen mutters something about being pudgy.

“You’re gorgeous, Jensen. Perfect.” 

Jared’s words must set a fire within Jensen because the next thing he knows, Jared’s being pushed back on the bed.

After, naked and sated, Jensen lies curled up in Jared’s arms, telling him of the things he did while he waited. He talks about cars, computers, _candy_. All these things that Jared’s never even heard of, things that he finds he wants because Jensen’s talking about them. 

Jared smiles when Jensen falls asleep, tightening his hold. The year is two thousand thirteen, and Jared’s got a new life with an apartment-homes on top of homes like his dream- a dog, and Jensen. 

The details don’t matter. Whether or not this is heaven or hell or something in between doesn’t matter. The feel of Jensen in his arms or the way his boy’s--Jensen will always be Jared’s boy no matter his age--hair smells, the way he looks up at Jared like he’s the only thing in the entire world, those are the things Jared truly cares about, and for once, Jared thinks that maybe his crazy day dreams weren’t so good because having Jensen here with him, having these plans in reality? Well, the real thing’s so much better than he could have even come up with in his head.

[ ](http://s1241.photobucket.com/user/amtamburo1/media/Big%20Bang%202013%20-%20And%20Ill%20Love%20Still%20In%20Hell/AILYSIH-Banner.jpg.html)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. It's been a real pleasure writing this, and, as always...Comments, I think they're awesome.


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